Final Marriage Challenge Day 14: PARADIGM SHIFT

BUTTERFLYA paradigm shift is a fundamental change in approach or assumptions about a certain subject. It is a change from one way of thinking to another, which can be applied to our marriages, jobs, relationships, home life, parenting, health, etc.

In many cases, the circumstances or factors involved in a difficult situation in our life are not going to change, but what can change, is how we look at those situations – our attitudes towards them – and how our attitude is shaping and possibly maintaining a situation.

When it comes to marriage, one of the main things that keeps us discouraged is the feeling that nothing is ever going to change. Relationship challenges and problems always seem to remain the same, with no hope of change in sight. We know we can’t change the past, and we may not believe that the future holds changes either. We don’t believe that our man will ever change in ways we feel are necessary for our happiness and the long term success of the marriage.

Maybe they will, and maybe they won’t. Only God knows the future. We cannot always control our circumstances, and we can never control other peoples behaviors, actions or choices. As much as we would love to have the power to change others, especially our husbands at times, we simply cannot! Continually trying to do so leads to feelings of frustration and defeat and hopelessness.

The good news is that although there are a lot of things we cannot control, we always have control over our own minds, our own thoughts, our own actions and reactions, and our own choices. We always have control over the attitudes that we carry in our hearts and minds every day. And we always have control over how we allow those attitudes to affect our life, and our marriages.

A paradigm shift refers to striving for a total transformation of the mind, like a metamorphosis of sorts. Metamorphosis is an even more powerful word regarding change than transformation is, because it means a radical change, from the inside out.

A great example of metamorphosis is the cycle of the butterfly – it starts out as a yucky larvae, then turns into a squirmy caterpillar, then a pupa in a cocoon, and ultimately into an adult butterfly. Once the butterfly emerges from the cocoon, there is no sign of the old ugly caterpillar anymore, just the beautiful butterfly spreading its colorful wings.

It completely changes, first inside, then out. The old has gone. The new has come.

In marriage, it is so easy to get stuck in a mindset. Whether that mindset is positive or negative, is up to us, but if we choose the negative, we may get stuck in the cocoon.

Positive attitudes don’t just happen, they are purposely created. And optimism always sees the beauty.

In the familiar verse found in Romans 12:2, we read “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

The “pattern” of this world, with respect to marriages, is not good. Divorce is at an all time high, even among Christian marriages. Pornography use in marriages is a huge epidemic. Infidelity plagues our TV screens as an accepted practice, in politics, reality shows, comedies, and movies and it serves to plague countless marriages every day. True love is equated to mushy romance scenes that are unrealistic in most relationships. Deception, lies, mistrust, revenge, bitterness, and so on. These are the patterns of our world.

That is exactly why God calls each of us to be set apart from the world. To live in the world, but not of the world. The only way to do that, is to experience a paradigm shift, a transformation, a metamorphosis in our own hearts and minds so that we can set patterns in our lives and marriages that are pleasing to God, and only God.

True transformation requires making the choice every day to live God-focused instead of world-focused. To stay focused on what God can do, instead of what it appears He is not doing. To transform not only our minds, but our hearts, our speech, our actions, our choices, our pursuits, our dreams, and hopefully, our marital relationships.

In The Message Bible, Romans 12:1-2 is written in such a way that it puts a great spin on this topic of transformation, when it says “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

Wow! I loved that. Powerful stuff. So how do we transform our attitudes to stop focusing on what is not right in the marriage, and start focusing on what is? How can we shift our perceptions about our husbands from critical to complimentary; from resentful to forgiving; from frustrated to fulfilled; and from hopeless to expectant? How do we learn to allow God to change us from the inside out, and in turn, change our marriages?

Friends, there is no easy answer, but a great place to start is to realize that our husband will never meet all of our needs. That sounds disappointing, yet it is true, and having that expectation only sets us up for disappointment.

Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Do we see the word “husband” in this verse? Nope. God didn’t intend for our husbands, or any other person in our life, to be able to meet our needs and make us fulfilled, content and joyful. Although we can certainly enjoy some of those gifts from our hubby, only God can do that completely.

My husband once told me I was “too needy”. Have mercy. Not the finest moment for him and I can tell you he quickly regretted those words. Yet, in my heart, I knew it was true, because as women, sometimes we are needy. We all long for that physical touch, romance, friendship, honesty, intimacy, provision and closeness, from the men that we have committed our life to. But the reality is, that sometimes our husbands just cannot meet all of those needs, and when when they aren’t fulfilling our needs, our attitudes shift in the wrong direction and weeds begin to grow. And Satan smiles.

When I truly accepted that my husband could not meet all of my needs or expectations no matter how hard he did or did not try, my faith grew, my walk with God got more exciting, and my marriage gradually improved. Not overnight, but over time.

The day God helped my attitude experience a paradigm shift, was my first step towards a changed heart, and a better marriage.

What a relief it was for me to embrace the truth that Jesus was the only Person who could fill every empty space in my heart. What a gift to my husband, to release him from the expectation that it was his responsibility and obligation to try to make me happy every second of every day. Of course, I still have those days when I backslide, when doubts and discouragement fill my mind or fears enter my heart; when my husband and I argue; or when I’m tempted to think once again that ‘things will never change’. But those are the days when I get back on my knees, and once again, pray for a paradigm shift to occur.

Our lives are by-products of our choices, not our circumstances. How we “see” things in our life, will determine what we are able to “see”. We can choose to be positive and God focused, always hoping for God’s best to be just around the corner – or we can choose to be negative and world focused, expecting that God’s victory will never be ours.

The choice we choose will determine the level of joy we can expect to have in life, in faith and in marriage. I’ve read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. If we truly want different results in our marriage, a paradigm shift in attitude and heart might be necessary. If we continue to reap the same things, we’ll reap the same results. A paradigm shift is much like having an “aha!” moment, suddenly seeing things in such a new  and fresh perspective that one can never go back to the old ways again.

A paradigm shift moves us from one line of thinking that we must discard to a new line of thinking that we must embrace.  That new thinking could be exactly what God is calling us to do to not only change our own marriages, but to begin changing the broken patterns of this world.

DAY 14 FINAL CHALLENGE: EMBRACE A PARADIGM SHIFT

Your last and final challenge is this:

1) Consider whether or not you might need to embrace a paradigm shift in your way of thinking about your marriage and/or your husband. Consider whether or not you have been expecting your husband to meet all of your expectations, and if you could benefit from asking God to fill those empty spaces in your heart that it seems your husband can never fill.

2) Make a list of the things you “expect” of your husband. Make a list of the needs that you “expected” your husband to fill when you got married. Then ask God to begin helping you see what expectations you have placed on your husband, that in fact, only God can really meet. Pray for your husband to be attentive to the needs that only he can fill.

This is a tough challenge, because our thoughts are pulled into thinking “why should I change? He is the one who needs to change? He is the one who did this/that/and the other. What good does it do for me to change, if he refuses to change, or acknowledge the changes in me?”

I’m with you sister. I get it. Just remember that we only have control over our own thoughts and actions, but when we change our mindset, we might not only see things in a different light, but we also might become a role model that will inspire our husbands to embrace a personal metamorphosis as well.

The pattern of this world would be to point fingers, but the pattern of God would be to point to Him for guidance. With His help, our life and our marriages can emerge from the cocoons, and become beautiful butterflies. The old will be gone, and the new will take its place.

God is the King of transformation. The Master of metamorphosis.

And even if the circumstances of your marriage don’t change right way – you will.

As we close out this challenge, below is my prayer for you. To help you prepare your heart for this paradigm shift through the power of Christ as you continue in your journey to have the happy and fulfilling marriage that God longs for you to have:

Dear Jesus, please melt my heart towards my husband. Help me release him from the obligation of meeting all of my needs. But Lord, would you soften his heart so that he will understand my needs, and desire to meet the ones that only he can meet? You have brought us together for a reason, and I trust that You can get us through hard times, heal addictions, restore our relationship, and rekindle our love. Fill my heart with so much of You, that I do not need anything else, however You know and understand that the blessing of a happy and wonderful marriage is my heart’s desire.

Help me to experience personal victory in You, no matter my circumstances, so that I can truly change my mindset and transform my way of thinking. Help me to be set apart and not to get brainwashed or blinded by the patterns of this world. Guide my thoughts to good things about my husband, and not just the bad. Help me to forgive, and if needed, help me to forget. Give me the strength to love my husband unconditionally, just as You love me. Fill my mind and mouth with words that will help me achieve a metamorphosis in my soul, from the inside out. Help me to get rid of old thoughts and patterns, and embrace the opportunity to become a more positive person about my marriage.

Most of all Lord, please make your Presence known to me. Let me see a glimpse of You at work in my marriage so that I can continue to be hopeful and excited about the changes that are to come. I trust in You Lord, forgive me for doubting that you are bigger than all my problems. Help me to always remember that it is Your desire for me to be happy and fulfilled in all things. Thank you for my husband, and for the grace and mercy that you bestow on us both. In Your name, Jesus Christ, King of all Kings, Amen.”

NEXT WEEK: I will post a couple special follow up posts to the marriage challenge, so be on the lookout for them!

The two winners of autographed copies of Stressed-Less Living from Tuesday’s giveaway are noted below. If this is you, then congrats! Please click here to email your mailing address to me. Please reference this book in your contact email.

1) Charity who posted at March 26, 2013 at 10:29 pm

2) Lucretia who posted at March 26, 2013 at 11:06 am

27 Comments

  1. Marcia on Friday, March 29, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Tracie: thank you for writing and sharing this challenge with all of us. You have truly inspired me!



    • Lynnette on Wednesday, May 29, 2013 at 10:55 am

      I only received day 4 of the challenge in my email. Is it possible to view the full 14 days of information? I was finishing up another Bible study so didn’t do this marriage study until now. Thanks.



  2. Carol on Friday, March 29, 2013 at 10:05 am

    So thankful that God, indeed, is the Master of metamorphosis!

    His changing me is a greater blessing to me, my husband and our marriage than if a genie had granted me three wishes to change things about my husband. It is such a wonderful thing – for relationships with parents and siblings, etc. , as well as a husband – to finally “get it” that God is the One and Only who can meet my needs, and that He put people in life to sharpen me, file off my rough edges and polish me to be part of His pure, spotless bride. My husband may have been a “diamond in the rough” when we wed, but looking back, I was a lump of coal. God used frustrations, difficulties, pain and sorrow to finally get me to the “diamond in the rough stage,” and praise Him, He will be faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me.

    Thank you, Tracie, for sharing this challenge. May the Lord bless you.



  3. Becky on Friday, March 29, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Amen and Amen.

    Thank you for this challenge, not only for my marriage, but also for just my daily life towards everyone.

    I am going to print all of the 14 day challenges, put them into a binder, and digest it over the next weeks and months. I also want to keep it as a resource to share with my daughter when she is ready to marry.



  4. Kim W. on Friday, March 29, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Tracie,
    Thank you so much for this challenge. My husband and I are separated and getting help from a Christian counselor. Today’s challenge is exactly what I needed – Praise God! Last night I reallized that many of the problems that we have encounted in our marriage have been caused by my inability to love my husband as God loves me and that I had put all my expectations on my husband instead of relying on God. I prayed that God would teach me how to love, not just my husband but also my family and friends. I will now think of having a paradigm shift – a metamorphosis – trusting God to teach me how to truly love others as He loves us.
    I will pray for everyone who participated in this challenge that each marriage will be blessed and will be healing, restored, enhanced and rejuvenated to be the marriages that God intended each one to be. God bless you, Tracie, and all of the participants.



  5. Jeni on Friday, March 29, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    Thank you Tracie for this challenge and sharing God’s word to all of us. It has been a blessing and a wonderful experience for me.



  6. Renee on Friday, March 29, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    To Kim W.–well said, and thank you for your prayers. I too will be in prayer for all of the participants of this challenge. In my time of pain it was first discouraging to realize I was part of a group having trouble in their marriage. it was hard for me to admit that to anyone, but as the days went by I realized that I was actually in fellowship with sisters in Christ, Christian women supporting one another during a very personal and difficult stage in their lives. That is beyond amazing, to have such a compassionate and loving “family” willing to offer kind words and praise!! I have been truly blessed by this challenge and look forward to refocusing my life on God and what He wants me to do-for myself, my marriage and for others.

    Thank you, Tracie. You will never know how much I needed this challenge nor how many times your words moved me to tears as they were so true, revealing, and inspiring. God bless all of you!



  7. Cindy W. on Saturday, March 30, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Tracie, I looked so forward each day to opening up my email and focusing on the challenge of the day, it was like a had my own personal group of girlfriends who were all in the same boat, all looking for answers and all willing to step out on the water in faith. Thank you for sharing your heart and experiences. I think today was the “Ah Ha” moment for me in the scripture you posted: Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” ~ God will meet all of my needs/Not my Husband! The paradigm shift came to life right then and there, even though I’ve read that scripture a million times, this time the words just came to life. Thank You!!



  8. Cindy W. on Saturday, March 30, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Tracie, I looked so forward each day to opening up my email and focusing on the challenge of the day, it was like a had my own personal group of girlfriends who were all in the same boat, all looking for answers and all willing to step out on the water in faith. Thank you for sharing your heart and experiences. I think today was the “Ah Ha” moment for me in the scripture you posted: Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” ~ God will meet all of my needs/Not my Husband! The paradigm shift came to life right then and there, even though I’ve read that scripture a million times, this time the words just came to life. Thank You!!



  9. Michaela on Saturday, March 30, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Tracie thank you so much for this blog it has been amazing. I was reading today’s blog and the truth about a paradigm shift impacted me so much. The Lord put it on my heart to write to you all a brief testimony of my marriage. The Lord wants you to know that He is in control and he has not forgotten about you or your marriage. I have been married for almost 4 years now and I have a teenage step-daughter and and girl toddler so we have our hands full around here.
    I was the girl that read the romance books, most of them were Christian books so that made it okay right. Well it set my mind up for not seeing reality in a real marriage. I did not get married until a week after I turned 30 and most of my friends were married before me so I was thinking I was an expert on what not to do and I would have the marriage with no problems. Well as all of us married people know that is impossible.
    I met the man I knew God had for me and before I knew it we were married and it was awesome. But it lasted about 6 months before my life started to unravel. We were at a Christmas party our first year of marriage when I saw a man I never knew emerge from my husband. His demons came out when he drank and I had no idea they even existed until this night. It was awful I thought life as I know it is gone. It steadily got worse over the next few years, the good was really good but the bad was really bad. WIth each fight I truly became the woman that thought it was all my fault. I was so naive in a lot of ways but my husband had addictions that were playing a part in making him act like a man I did not even know. The Christian God fearing man I had fallen in love with seemed to be but a memory, but I knew he was in there. You would have to know my husband to know that he is an amazing man and I have always believed that the Lord has big plans for him I just don’t know what they will be. =) Anyways the addictions and demons of the past were haunting him and I was as close to hell as I had ever felt. A little over a year ago God put an amazing woman in my life to stand beside me and mentor me on this journey. Early on when I was talking to her she reminded me of the story of Daniel and how the king made a law that people could only pray to him and Daniel knowing the consequences went up to his room 3 times a day to pray and thank the Lord just like he always did. She challenged me to just start thanking the Lord. I started here and it transformed me. THanking the Lord in the midst of awful circumstances and I began to be transformed from the inside out. It got to the point last summer where it did not feel safe in my home anymore and I know had a 1 year old and a teenager to think about, there was so much prayer involved and seeking Godly council but I felt the Lord telling me that He needed time to work and I was in the way. So with a heavy but confident heart I left home for a time. I felt that it would only be for a time but I did not know how long that time would be. It was 23 days and what I feared of my husband never happened but what I prayed for did. From the time I left until now my husband got on his knees to His Lord and found the help and support he needed. Now I am not giving this advise to anyone like I said so much prayer went into this and this was what I felt the Lord telling ME to do in MY situation and by my obedience to Him he was able to start healing my marriage. It has been almost 7 months now since I came home and the Lord is still healing. The other day my husband and I were talking and he said our life is crazy we are stressed about our finances and our teenager but we have never been closer. I prayed for a miracle over and over again and God took us to rock bottom so we could see his goodness and love shower over us. You see we are at rock bottom in this worlds eyes right now we have no money we don’t know where and when we will get out of the financial situation we are in, we don’t know what God is doing in the life of our teenager but we know we are right where God wants us. My mentor reminded me this last week of the Israelites I think it was in Numbers where God was talking to Moses and the Lord said I am going to give them everything they are asking for but when I do I will no longer be with them. Moses cried out and said no Lord do not leave us you see Moses believed that they could have all the things the world had to offer but with out God they would be lost. My mentor asked me what would you rather have, all the money in the world to pay your bills or the intimacy that you are now sharing with your husband. Hands down with no hesitation I will take the intimacy with my husband because that is where the Lord is. Through this whole thing GOD changed ME!!!!! I am a new woman because I started thanking the Lord instead of blaming him. You see ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. Don’t give up ladies God has a plan for you too. Remember that God loves marriage and satan hates it. I don’t know all your situations but I know that God has a plan for each one of you and if you let him the outcome will be better than you could have ever dreamed of. Thank him today for any and everything you can think of including your husband. God made him too and God wants the very best for you both. Your test can become your testimony if you let God work.



  10. JM on Sunday, March 31, 2013 at 1:02 am

    This challenge has been inspiring and I thought successful. Until I found out my husband has been looking at inappropriate pictures, many, of young women online. This was one problem I thought we DIDN’T have . I was in fact thankful my husband always practiced self control and modesty with his eyes/mind. Now I know it was only in front of me and I am just sick.



    • Leah on Monday, April 1, 2013 at 8:53 am

      To JM, When you say young women do you mean little girls? or just younger then you “women”? If its the first I can not really encourage you in any way…But if it is the second. Please know that you are not alone. I myself found stuff on my computer about one year ago. I had been praying for my husband and I to find a connection, as it seemed we had lost it. My answer to prayer was me finding all kinds of inappropriate stuff on the computer. I was so angry for so long, I lashed out and screamed and cried and blamed him for months. As I was getting ready to leave him, I found out I was pregnant with our third child. So for her I decided to stay. I spent many more months in denial, how could he do that to me? I found that when I stopped focusing on what he did, and more on my reactions to the situation. and my own relationship with God. It got a little easier. Then I delivered my little girl, and when my husband held her, I wanted to snatch her from his arms. I didn’t want his dirty hands touching my little girl. I realized then that I still had not forgiven him. later that day in the hospital, I cried out to God, “fix me” Help me Father! He did, slowly, I still feel the hurt. I can see now though, that me finding that stuff was an awesome answer to my prayers. It was something my husband was struggling with, and he would never share it with me. God wanted to purge my husband of that sin, I NEEDED to find it, so we could face it together. I know that I can not see the ending to my love story. I know though that GOd can, he can use those things to draw you closer, or to break you. I needed to be broken to see, what I was doing wrong. I will be praying for you. Don’t let Satan rip you apart, and he will try. He will continue to bring that hurt up again and again. Only with God can you truly forgive and be healed from that hurt. I am now more in love with my husband then ever.



      • JM on Monday, April 1, 2013 at 10:43 am

        Thank you for that. Not little girls, no. Just 15 years younger than I am, something I cannot compete with. I do feel the same that I had to find it to bring it into the light so we can work on purging it. The thing is he told me of these battles before we married, and that he had learned the importance of keeping his eyes from such things, even while single, so he could stay upright and respect his wife someday. Even if he doesn’t look at these images any longer, they are burned into his mind. Sorry doesn’t take them away. I know God can, but he has to be willing to let them go.I’m feeling so unwanted and not special that I guess I’m struggling thinking he won’t do that for me. I know all I can do is continue to pray and trust the Lord.



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Tracie Miles is a bestselling author and the Director of COMPEL Training with Proverbs 31 Ministries.  She helps women grow stronger in their faith, pursue the life of purpose God designed them for and live a life of peace, joy and happiness despite their circumstances.

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