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Have you ever said something about someone, and then wished you hadn’t? I certainly have, and this past weekend was another one of those unfortunate times.
A good friend had invited my husband and I to their home, along with several other couples, to watch our Carolina Panthers in the playoffs. My husband and I both proudly put on our black and blue #59 Luke Kuechly jerseys and headed over to their house, hors d’oeurves in tow.
We had a great evening, as the men focused solely on the television, and us girls laughed and chatted about everything under the sun while trying to focus on the game – at least until the Panthers started losing beyond the hope of winning.
But somehow during the evening, a certain person in our community came up in conversation, and we had a brief conversation about said person. Like I said – it was brief. But ever since then, I have felt convicted about it.
It wasn’t that I said anything malicious or scandalous about this person. Actually the things that I mentioned were true and factual, and were spoken from my own experience, not hear-say. In addition, this person had done something that really hurt me, and although I thought I had forgiven them, it was still on my heart apparently. The topic of conversation only lasted a few minutes, and then we moved on to talking about how much we liked the cheese dip. But immediately afterwards and in the days to follow, my heart was convicted. I always try not to gossip or talk about others, but you know what – I’m human.
And I’m a girl. Enough said.
I can’t help but chuckle about how God orchestrates our lives so perfectly, especially considering the fact that before we ever went to my friend’s house, I had already planned to read my wonderful friend Karen Ehman’s new book, Keep It Shut, on an airplane the following day while traveling to an event in Mississippi where I would be speaking. The title alone was like a little whisper from God saying, “Tracie, you knew better. Here’s some advice.”
Have mercy. Ever had one of those moments when your mind says shut up but your lips keep on moving about things better left unsaid? Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened. Hind sight is 20/20 right? I suppose. But the truth is, and what Karen’s book reinforced, is that we always need to watch our words carefully, and we need to be so in tune with the Holy Spirit that we feel convicted before gossipy words leave our lips, not just after.
Just because something is true or factual, and even if it happened to us personally, doesn’t mean it needs to be shared.
In chapter 7 of Keep It Shut: What To Say, How To Say It, and When To Say Nothing At All, Karen talks about the fact that gossip is not new – in fact, it was going on in biblical times too, and she shared several examples. She also shared a section about what is gossip and what is not, and that’s where my hand really got spanked. She mentioned the obvious, like sharing a secret we weren’t supposed to share, telling a story we are not sure is true, or referencing ‘hear-‘say’ as our resource, and I know to never do those things. But she also defined gossip as this:
– speaking about others in a way that paints them in a negative light so the listener will form an unflattering opinion
– talking in a cryptic way about someone, subtly suggesting some thing questionable or even scandalous about her character
Ouch. The info I had spoken – although it happened years ago, was completely true and was not intended for harm – might have subtly fallen into one of those two statements. Maybe the ladies I was speaking with didn’t give my words a second thought, but I sure did. And in fact, the Holy Spirit had a lot to say to my heart. I knew I had probably shared more than I should have. But all I could do was ask for forgiveness, and ask God for a stronger awareness and conviction in the future before gossipy words ever leave my lips. Life is full of spiritual lessons, and I have to say, this was one for me.
Keep It Shut is not just about gossip, but about the overall power of words. Words can hurt. Words can cause emotional damage. Words have power. Words are something we don’t always think about before spewing. And as many times as we may have been hurt by the words of others, we may have hurt others with our own words too – either directly to their face, or indirectly behind their backs.
Words need to be thought about and prayed about before they’re said, whether we are talking to our neighbors, co-workers, friends, spouses, or our own children. When we spend time with God on a routine basis, seeking strength and wisdom about the words we share daily, we will have more control over our words in any situation that arises.
And that is the core message of Karen’s new book. Words matter. Just because we are able to say it, doesn’t mean we should, and how we say things is just as important as what we say. That’s a lesson I bet all of us girls can benefit from remembering.
Today I want to give away one of Karen’s books because I believe in this message. To enter to win, leave a comment on my blog (emailed comments will not be entered) sharing briefly about a time you wished you had kept it shut. You don’t have to share all the details – just a quick comment expressing that you get it, and you could use a copy of this book. 🙂
— The winners of last week’s giveaway of two copies of Peanut Butter Sandwiches by Jeff Davidson were Cassandra and Maureen, both of whom have been notified via email.–
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Tracie Miles is a bestselling author and the Director of COMPEL Training with Proverbs 31 Ministries. She helps women grow stronger in their faith, pursue the life of purpose God designed them for and live a life of peace, joy and happiness despite their circumstances.
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I gave a snippy answer to my husband on my way to church on Sunday. I knew it was not what I wanted to say the minute it came out of my mouth…but words cannot be un-said. I immediately apologized.
How do we even count the times we move forward and speak when we should wait and truly be still, I tend to do this at work. The other day one of the ladies. I work with was the brunt of my mouth and sharp comments. What I said was true, but not for me to say and certainly not the way I said it. It cannot be taken back! It broke my heart and should have. Thank you for today’s devotion.
Why are we so slow to learn?!?! I know I shouldn’t say some of the things I say. I am convicted before the words leave my mouth, and yet, the mouth still comes open and out they come. Why?! The prayer: Lord, Please put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth comes way too often to me. I am praying for strength (yes, I said it… now I’ll surely be tested) to keep the lips zipped. To not only keep the lips zipped, but also to keep the thoughts from my heart. What’s in the heart flows out of the mouth.
I am a hair stylist in a small town. I always aspire to not gossip, but it is really difficult when most of the people sitting in my chair are doing it at me all day long. I do catch myself more as I have had so many regretful conversations, and have tried to become more aware, but it is a snare. I would love to read Karen’s book to have more tools and more awareness.
I am in agreement and the same boat as Jamie-i do hair and have waltzed into a conversation or 2 where info was shared -not malichously or in a mean gossipy way but ended up being shared without realizing only damage could come from it
I need to keep my mouth shut!
I’ve recently started a new job in an office I’ve worked at, I am blessed with wonderful coworkers. Our company has been evolving thru changes that aren’t always pleasing to the employees, but are sometimes necessary in the business world. My new job is intense but I’m enjoying the challenge! BUT because I’ve worked in other departments, dealt with other ongoing happenings, I have to refrain from saying things…HELP! If you say nothing at all, it seems as if you aren’t keeping everyone in the loop. This book would be awesome to read and pass around!
Wow, do I need to read this book! Hospitality is my thing and I love to welcome people into our home – especially our son’s girlfriend. Yet, it doesn’t take long for me to say things I wish I hadn’t said. This young lady does not know God and I need to be careful with what I say if I hope to influence her decision to WANT to…..
Wow, did that hit home for me. There have been too many times to count when I should have kept my mouth shut! This book sounds like it was written just for me!
I said something to my mom that was not necessary and felt bad about it.
At least you said it to her face and not behind her back. There is a BIG difference in expressing yourself to a family member in private than slashing someone with words behind their back while they are not there to defend themselves.
I have resolved not to gossip but as everyone, I find myself in tempting situations. I have given in and wish I would not have participated. Would love to read about this in depth.
I feel this post was written for me for this very morning! I completely snapped at my husband last night. Before he even came home I told myself not to, prayed for my response , and took a deep breath before he waked in. The Holy Spirit spoke right to my heart and I felt awful and guilty and then the first thing I read this morning was your post. Thank you!
I often do this with my mom. I love her and sometimes one of my siblings takes advantage of her generosity. At times when she shares her heart about one of them, I will just rake the whole situation over the coals including my opinion of how she shouldn’t help, even as their mother. I always get home and see that she was trying to just share her heart and I ran it right over. She wasn’t looking for advice, she was just having a conversation. I always feel awful. Its not my job to judge anyone here. Her choosing to give, or the way others use the giving. I want so badly to learn to be a good friend and listener instead of steamrolling my thoughts over people. Ugh.
God has shown me so many times that my words that I have spoken in regard to my daughter and her family are not helpful to others. That even though I mean well it really does not help the person I am talking to, to form an unbiased opinion about her family . I am trying to only speak positive and encouraging words. I have seen how this makes a real difference.
This just happened This past Sunday. My husband was asked to usher at a concert, it was going to be a busy day and I did not like the group (I had already seen them once before). I thought we had agreed to not going. We arrived at church and I overheard him agreeing to be an usher. Promptly, I butted in the conversation. Strongly eXpressed my dislike for the group! As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew how horrid they were. Needless to say, I sat through a convicting sermon in tears. Thankfully they were both gracious and forgave me. Will I ever learn???
My mouth has caused me complete embarrassment on numerous occasions, and worse, not long ago, it ended up costing me my job! Not just any job, but for an employer I’d dreamed of working for some 30+ years. So yes, I need to learn self control to keep it shut! 😛
Your post today just reinforced for me that I NEED to read this book! It’s the truthful, but subtly hurtful words that usually get me! I want to be a someone known for lifting up, not tearing down.
Your words really hit home. How often have I felt guilty after I have said something ro talked about someone. I wish I would take a moment and think before Ispeak. However, the thoughts come spilling out too quickly. I really need to work on this.
I should have keep my mouth shut when my Church Friend asked me about a new attendee who happens to be my neighbor. About 20 years ago this person spread gossip about my husband’s family that happened 16 years prior to this incident. She embarrassed me at a ladies event at our neighbors house and when asked about her….I should have kept my opinions to myself. Though it was true and I never knew about the “original gossip” until that night which then caused a fight between my husband and myself….Well, I learned a lesson….Let others form their own opinions.
I’ve inherited a sarcastic tongue. It’s a constant battle to reign it in, but one I’m willing to fight.
i got it! thanks so much for sharing!
I would love to give this book to “friend” of my son. I know the teenage years are hard but what this girl is saying about others is going to leave her with no friends and I’ll thought of herself. She claims to be godly but this book would really help her out.
This is a twist to the comments but years ago, a relative started gossiping about our mutual friend’s teenager. It was very slanderous gossip and hit me so hard. I felt so hurt for our friend and for her teenager that I spoke up and told the relative that I really didn’t want to hear that gossip. Because in all honesty, it was malicious gossip. There were no facts. Regardless if it was true, it was so hurtful all I could do was picture our mutual friend overhearing and how deeply wounded she would have been!! This ‘speaking up ‘ to my relative cost me dearly. She shunned me and has for over 20 years and also has done her best to turn other family members against me, with success, I might add. It has been very painful for me. Nevertheless, I HAD to stop her. I would do it again if I had to, even though it cost me much emotional pain from the lies spread from that relative.
Sometimes, we must speak up, but always with love. I have always shown deep love for this relative but for some reason, she has never accepted me since that happened.
But I am a firm believer that there are times… With wisdom, we must speak up and defend the one being gossiped about.
During a recent loss in the family, we had to encounter someone who had hurt us in the past. It was hard for some family members to talk with these people. I thank God that he helped me ‘Keep It Shut’. But now that we are having to deal with them more, it seems to be getting tougher. If I had this book, it might but some insight into what I need to be saying. Other family member would also have a chance to read this as well.
Just yesterday in talking with a friend, we discussed an acquaintance …again, everything said was truthful & first hand but it was gossip. God convicted us both shortly after but this is such a great reminder that I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes..would love to read the book.
Sure could use clarity on this topic…over the years not knowing what is appropriate or inappropriate to share or even to listen to others talking about MIL & FIL. I know I’ve crossed the line into wrong territory too often.
I wish I would have “Kept It Shut” when my husband had asked for forgiveness from adultery.
I think this area is something we all struggle with at some time or another. I can think of many times I should have kept my mouth shut. But more recently with the struggles at home often times I find myself saying something not loving to my husband. I do love him and these are definitely not the things I want to say, but they come out anyhow. I am definitely looking forward to reading Karen’t book to get more help with this area of my life.
Ouch & Amen. 🙂
I am ready to read this book and study it. I work in an environment where I don’t always have positive interactions with a coworker. I have learned over the years that I don’t need to engage in the toxic nature of this person but I have at times said things to others that I should have held back. I don’t want to drop to her level and I need to constantly remind myself to take the high road. I look forward to the wisdom that I know is in this book… specifically for me.
I’ve learned a great deal on the harm of words spoken and the harm that can come to the one of whom it was spoken. I lost a dear friend when someone used my name in their gossip shared with my friend. I was not even part of the lies spoken, but it was still believed and I have no way of proving otherwise. The gossip was so unnecessary and the words spoken can not be taken back. I pray and trust The Lord for healing and I’m careful to access what comes in my ears and out my mouth.
I have a friend who likes to gossip and it’s very easy to fall into it if you have a partner in crime, so to speak. I have been very convicted regarding this and have to be very intentional about leading our conversations in a more appropriate direction.
My daughter sent me your newsletter. So much good…I believe this book has “dedicate to Ken”..on the dedicated page. Such a nice way to help me change for the better. Thanks Ken
This was just what I needed to hear today. How many times have I said too much and even though it may have been truthful it wasn’t necessary to sharr
I’m an introvert but I sometimes have a tendency to allow my mouth to get me in trouble. I have one specific instance from this past week that has me feeling rather convicted because I felt like I shouldn’t have shared to begin with and I did anyway. I also have gossipy coworkers who I enjoy talking to but not participating in gossip can be hard sometimes when it comes up as part of a conversation.
That happened in Bible Study recently. We were talking about someone who wasn’t there. Nothing bad, just about her engagement and whether they would really get married.
A friend mentioned to me later that week about the conversation. She said that others might feel that when they don’t attend we might talk about them as well. OUCH! She was so right.
Yes, about 12 years ago something slipped out of my mouth that shouldn’t have and it has caused a lot of grief in my family relationships. I regret ever saying anything.
oh I totally get it! my daily prayer is ‘put a guard over my tongue Lord’
A friend and I were talking about her friend who has some negative attitudes and bad habits of thought and speech. One of those bad habits is complaining about her friends. At the same moment, we realized we were complaining about her and doing the same thing! Oops! It was instant regret of words spoken. I’d like a copy of that book!
This book must have been written for me. This is a daily war for me – not just gossip – but mainly my negative attitude, negative thoughts and the tone of my voice – my words have caused countless hurts and unnecessary fights in my marriage. My mom always told me “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” but I have never been blessed with that ability on my own and sadly I can’t or won’t surrender the issue to God. I would love to read this book so maybe I could learn to “keep it shut!”
I struggle to keep my comments to my self when someone does or says something I do not agree with. I feel like some people will never change and it’s very hard when I have to continually be around them to not overload a trusted friend with how I feel about that person.
Always a good reminder that words matter. Thanks for the chance to win
Last night trying to get my kids in gear for bedtime. It always seems to be a struggle because I’m tired and they are tired.
Whew!!! Boy, do I need this book. I’m the oldest of 4 girls. Yes, you read that right, 4!!! Having sisters is a blessing but I’ve also found that because I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, I have hurt one of sisters feelings multiple times. God bless Karen for writing this book, I pray it touches the lives and mouths of all of us chatty women 😉
I can add a loud “Amen” to this blog this morning. I hate gossip, it is something that has caused our local church to divide 4 times. All because someone spoke and the seed of dissension grew. Am I innocent of this? not at all. Before I know it, my ears are open to what is being spoken, or of someone who wants to share about another. I am learning, shut my mouth and my ears, tight.
Humble Pie doesn’t taste very good . . . I should group it with the other food allergies I have and stay away from it. That being said, this is such a gentle reminder about being a woman, and opening . . . . should be a can of worms. Continuing to keep it close . Thank you for the reminder.
Like someone else said. Ouch. Probably did it yesterday. Thanks for this post.
Just let me say “OUCH”! So easy to let hurtful words out and so very hard to get them back. This sounds like the perfect book for my Sunday School Class. It is a women’s class and let’s just say, it would be a useful tool for us.
Grace and Peace,
Debbie
I love words. Of course certain ones more than others. However in my frustration recently in my current relationship I said words that I wish I hadn’t. It has been a week and I have not had the opportunity to say sorry voice to voice, which I hope I get the chance to do. I wish I had not reacted in the heat of the moment but what a spiritual lesson it has been. Life’s lessons. God knows my heart. It sounds like Karen’s book is so timely and relevant…
Hoo, boy, yes, have I ever said some things I later regretted, and participated in gossip! I try diligently not to gossip but yes, I could definitely use help in this area! Admitted! 🙂
There are many times!!! We call it Mr. Mouth getting us into trouble at our house. Sometimes, things just come out and immediately you think – probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.
I think this was written just for me. I had an incident with my son last night and lost my cool. the words that came out of my mouth were not what I wanted to say, and I regretted them all night. There has been other times that I have talked about people/incidents in my life that were true, but perhaps, they should have been left unsaid. I can never take those words back, but I would like to learn not to use them in the first place. I would love this book.
I was venting about someone’s behavior and character in the car on the way home from a sporting event. My son looked at me and said ” you know, you really shouldn’t say anything if you can’t say something nice”. Ouch! From the mouth of babes.
So often when in a heated discussion with my husband I wish I would remember to “keep it shut” b/c hurtful, ugly words too often come pouring out due to hurt feelings. Same goes for when a friends says or does something and then I talk with someone about it, I am then painting them in a negative light. I am sure this book will be an inspiration for so many to convict our hearts and minds to “keep it shut”.
Yes, I’ve been guilty of not keeping my mouth shut on several occassions and I always regret it later……
I’m sure this book is a must read for me! I blew it with my daughter yesterday because of some things I’ve been dealing with with her. She’s almost 22 years old & still lives in my home & seems like she has no understanding to how bad she is allowing her situation to get & some including my finances! I just lost it! Thanks for your encouragement in your devotional today.
Wow! This spoke directly to me and this is something that I need to work in myself. Dealing with coworkers and venting about things concerning them is my down fall. I would like to get this book to read more and to share with my teen daughters and their friends.
I just got back from lunch at work and instead of building a coworker up with Godly words- I spoke unkindly truths. I wanted to beat myself up when I reached my desk but then read this blog and I asked God to forgive my mouth. I need this book desperately.
I speak when I am angry and that’s frequently not pretty.:(
Controlling my tongue and lips is extremely difficult. I can usually control myself in a discussion or heated argument. BUT It happens more when I am innocently chatting with family and friends. It just comes out before I know it. I have found power in prayer and when I feel the need to say something I try to make it positive.
Before I retired, work was a challenging environment. A co-teacher was particularly difficult to work with. Rather than considering her cultural background and feelings that might cause her demanding ways, I allowed her to get under my skin. More than once I responded to her with irritation and in a less than Christ-like way. I hope I would handle that situation differently if given a second chance. A note about this book: I noticed it recently when doing some online searching for possible Bible studies. I mentioned it to my friend who had asked me to look. Then yesterday I saw your blog and there it was again! We will pursue this topic as a future study!
Whenever I am tired and overwhelmed, I make really mean and hurtful comments to my husband who is just trying to be helpful. I end up apologizing but I need to learn how to break the cycle for the sake of my sanity and marriage.
Oh, this is speaking exactly to me! I wrote an angry response to an email because I had been hurt, and called someone from church a “party pooper”. Immediately I received about 5 responses from my Sunday School group, because unbeknownst to me, the email went to the ENTIRE group. I spent last summer asking forgiveness, and repairing the damage I created. Keep It Shut could apply to social media as well as my mouth. Thank God for His grace and forgiveness. Thank you, Tracie, for this opportunity. God bless us all.
several years ago, I sent an email on to a second friend and they first person had said something that really upset them. yes, it was about the 2nd recipient.
fortunately, we were able to correct the issue but I have always felt bad.
Shilrey
Kept my mouth shut when my 19 year old daughter broke up with her boyfriend of 3 1/2 years.
My heart and my mind know that I am not supposed to talk this way but my anger keeps overriding both and I am ashamed of what comes out of my mouth. This is not who I want to be!
My mouth has caused me much regret over the years. A couple years ago I read a book about the tongue that was really enlightening. Can use all the help I can get. Thanks for offering the book.
Oh how this hit home. Why do we feel it is Ok at the time to say something and then as soon as it comes out of our mouth we realize that it was not appropriate? I am working on. praying about my comments before they are uttered.. It saves regret.
I tell myself this all of the time, “Just keep your mouth shut!”, but I don’t always listen to my own advice. Sharing “information” or just having to put my two cents worth into a conversation is really just an attention getter. I wish I could just be a quiet supporter of my friends and family!
I have a bad habit of gossipping about people at work. I don’t always say things that are necessarily bad, and I usually add to conversations someone else starts, but I do frequently say things based on hearsay or assumptions I’ve made based on what I do know. I feel a desire to be accepted by others, and somehow I think I’ll gain acceptance by sharing knowledge to satisfy others’ curiosity. I almost always feel convicted immediately after the words leave my lips, but it’s become a hard habit to break. I need help!!
I like that the book gives a clear definition of gossiping. It is written in bible not to “backbite”. We in the Christian community participate in this behavior and then deny we are gossiping . This book will definitely open eyes and hearts, which will prayerfully lead to a positive change.
There are too many times to count when I should have kept my mouth shut! I have realized that sometimes right before I say something I have a sense that I shouldn’t say it, but I don’t always listen to that inner voice. I know I have hurt many people with things I have said and I definitely want to be more sensitive to the Spirit and careful in what I say.
Boy can I relate., especially when I think about things I have said quickly, without a lot of thought to my teenage and young adult daughters. This is definitely a study that I want to do. The book would be a blessing.
If I had a dime for Everytime I should have kept my mouth shut I would be a millionaire! You would think I would know better by now,
As a pastor’s wife, I need to e even more mindful what comes out of my mouth. The other day, at a small ladies group, I spouted out some stuff about my own child. Not necessary, but felt comfortable in the setting. Before the meeting was over, I apologized to my sisters and told them I felt badly for “exposing” my own kid. Boy do I wish I had kept my mouth shut! ( My own kid no less!) Can’t take words back.
I was convicted of how much my comments can cause me to stumble as well as shed a negative light on the person I talked about. In this case, I have found myself speaking about a family member as a person who is secretive and withholding information from me. Now I see it is not an uplifting way to speak of a person, and gives the impression of a lower motive. I repent of my words and ask the Lord to show me how to stop before I speak ill of anyone. I have a saying on my desk that helps, “Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand across my mouth.”
I can’t wait to read this book! Thanks for the chance to win a copy. I have done the same thing you talked about in your post. Being hurt by words myself, I should be better at monitoring my mouth. I too often fall into the trap of trying to fit in. Words can hurt more than physical blows and I want to do much, much better at thinking before I speak.
I wish I could have the zipper on my mouth with a padlock…and give God the key…I have a big personality unfortunately with that I have no filter between my brain and my mouth…out of the heart the mouth speaks…it’s true…I’ve found myself speaking about someone unpleasant like because there’s still unmended emotions in my heart…I’m working on it or should say working on letting God heal the brokeness inside…my prayer is to achieve that completeness in Him…
Oh my, you hit the nail on the head with this post. So true…with every example and every feeling. Thank you for posting, and sharing.
I work in a public place where a lot of gossip runs rampant. I recently made a hateful comment about a coworker that I regretted. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. It wasn’t worth it.
Talking about others is one sure fire way to let people know that you and your confidence can not be trusted. I sure don’t want to leave that kind of impression. The “think before you speak” rule is one to take to heart.
I get it….and there are so many times the Holy Spirit prompts me to say something and I don’t for one reason or another and then later realize it would have been better if I had said what the Spirit was prompting me!
I have a definite problem with keeping my mouth shut! I have been working on this by running it by myself in my head, before I speak. The wonderful thing is, when I take the time to do this, God immediately answers me (like I have answered my own question), usually I am convinced to stay silent. An example of when I did NOT take the time to think it through….
We bought a house recently. The first house we made an offer on, the deal fell through because of a mold issue. We bought another house in the same neighborhood, so I occasionally run into the owners of the house we did not buy (and their house is still on the market 6 months later). One day I was working in the yard and a golf cart drove by. I looked up and saw it was the same couple. When I looked up, they both immediately turned their heads away from me and did not acknowledge me. I hoped they could be “adult” and get over it, but then I made the mistake of mentioning their behavior to someone else. THAT was not “adult” of me. I should have kept my mouth shut! Forgive me Lord!
I’d love to read that book!