Marriage Challenge Day 3: PERSPECTIVE

The winner of Stormie O’Martian’s book, The Power of a Praying Wife, is April who posted on March 12, 2013 at 10:28 pm. Please contact me with your mailing address if you are the winner!

In the first few years of our marriage, my husband and I had different ideas of what marriage was supposed to be like, and when those two worlds of thinking collided, friction resulted.

Even though we were both Christians, neither of us were actively living out our faith, yet I still longed for a ‘spiritual leader’ in my home. Unfortunately, I had a skewed vision in my heart of what that term “spiritual leader” meant, and many women carry that skewed image in their hearts as well. Since we often look to our pastors, sunday school teachers or elders of the church as our spiritual leader role models, we may set expectations on our husbands that may not be realistic.

I used to think of a spiritual leader as a man who was on his knees every morning,  with an open Bible, pouring over scriptures, leading bible studies, and treating everyone in his life with extreme compassion and selflessness. I had a mental picture of a perfect husband, who never hurt his wife’s feelings, never betrayed her trust, never made her feel neglected, met each and every one of her expectations, and fulfilled all her needs. A husband who fit the bill as the perfect dad, never disappointing their kids or losing their temper.

But one day I heard a speaker share a message about faith and marriage which shattered that mental picture completely.

I sat in my seat, listening intently about what God expected of men and women, and how we are called and equipped to fulfill our roles as spouses and parents. Then when the speaker began talking about the spiritual leader of the household, and since I had decided that my husband was seriously falling short in that area, my ears perked.

I was ready to have my opinions fully validated by this godly communicator, whom I was sure shared my mental picture of mister perfect. I was fully prepared for her to even express some sympathy for those of us who felt they didn’t have a spiritual leader in their homes, and maybe even offer to pray for us.

However, what this speaker said was not what I expected to hear. She did not describe a spiritual leader of the home with the description that matched the vision in my head.  Instead, she simply said, that a husband who is the spiritual leader of his home is one who loves God, loves his wife, loves his family, and provides for their needs.

Say what? Wait a minute. What about all that other stuff? What about what I want him to do? What about how I want him to be? What about my desire for a truly Godly bible-toting husband? One who prays with me and our children daily. One who goes to bible study every week. One who memorizes scripture. One who meets my expectations? One who……

Friends, God really stepped on my toes big time with that one. Ouch.

You see, until then, I had only been looking at the churchy-spiritual things that my husband was not doing. I had been so focused on the ‘Godly-man mold’ in my head that he was not fitting into, I had been taking for granted the things that he did do that found favor in God’s eyes.

I had been so consumed with frustration and resentment over the stuff he was doing that God would not look favorably upon, I never paid attention to the little things that made him the good man he was.

I read once that a spiritual leader is simply a servant leader. One who is tuned in to his family’s needs and concerned for its spiritual welfare, while providing love and encouragement. One who is willing to help and defend his family and protect their well being at all costs.  And hopefully, one who helps his family grow in the ways of Christ. But not one, who is perfect.

My husband certainly needed to strengthen his walk with the Lord, as did I. He certainly he needed to make some changes in his lifestyle and habits, as did I in different ways.  And certainly he was not living a life that was fully devoted to Christ, and although I was trying to make Christ the center of my life, I certainly had room for growth.

But he was a good man. He loved me. He loved our children. He would always protect us. He helped keep the nursery at church and served on comittees. He donated his time and money to people in need. He was a hard worker. He came home from work every night to his family. He was loyal to his friends. He provided food, shelter, necessities, and more.

Not perfect, not without fault, not without mistakes, not without room for improvement in some areas – but nonetheless, a leader in our home. A servant leader, in his own ways.

God impressed upon my heart to try to begin looking at my husband through His eyes, instead of my own stained looking glass. He called me to see him for who he was, not who I wanted him to be, and to appreciate the ways he did lead, while praying for the areas of leadership where he needed to grow spiritually.

It is probably safe to say that the deepest desire of every Christian woman’s heart is to have a husband who loves and serves the Lord, and lives each day with his priorities in check, basing all of his decisions and actions on whether or not God would approve and be glorified. That has always been my hearts desire, and based on the hundreds of women who expressed that desire in the comments this week, it is obvious we all share that longing.

I have seen God answer many prayers with regards to my husband’s faith walk, and at times, a lot of hardship had to take place before true growth could begin to sprout. The faith of my husband, along with my own, has come a long way in the past few years. But we are both still a work in progress.

I feel very blessed to have a husband who knows the Lord, but I recognize that not every woman has that. In fact, I have friends whose husbands are not believers, and it’s hard to see them struggle. These are good men, and good husbands, but they are lost.

The truth is, spiritual leadership has to begin somewhere, and if your husband is providing for your physical and financial needs, loves you and your family, protects you and cares for you, and treats you with kindness, then he is on the right track when it comes to meeting Gods expectations of him, and a wife should never cease praying that God will grab his heart one day in a powerful way.

If your husband is not a believer in Christ, I encourage you to never give up hope that God can open his eyes and orchestrate events in his life that will help him begin to realize how desperately he needs a Savior. I have witnessed God going to great lengths to help a man develop that spiritual hunger, and sometimes it is a hard and painful journey. Yet in the meantime, let us wives hold steadfast to being the Godly woman we are called to be.

The Bible says in 1 Peter 3:1b, “…if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

Whether your husband is a believer or an unbeliever, you may have spent years praying for him with no signs of a true heart change. I want to encourage you, sweet sisters in Christ, to not give up. Believe that God can reach his heart, and during the wait while God is doing His work behind the scenes, we can choose to see our husbands through a new lens. A lens that is wiped clean of condemnation and unmet expectations, so that we can see the positive leadership traits that our husbands are exhibiting.

When a wife prays, God listens, a mans heart can change, and great things can happen. Lets change our perspectives today about the most important men in our life, and “see” what happens.

DAY 3 CHALLENGE: PERSPECTIVE

Your challenge today is to ask God to help you see your husband through HIS eyes. To look at him with the expectations of what God expects of a spiritual leader, and not the mental picture we may have in our head. To not compare him to other husbands who we think are more spiritual, Godly, or perfect,  but to pray for God to move in our husbands heart so that he can begin to embrace his role as spiritual leader, as well as physical leader. To keep praying for his heart if he is not a believer, and trusting that God is working in ways you cannot see yet.

Going forward, seek out the Holy Spirit’s guidance to clearly see the little ways that God is changing your husbands heart, instead of only looking for the obvious, outward, more noticeable changes in behavior or actions. God may be at work in small ways, that can eventually turn into big ways, and it will be well worth the wait.

Please remember that if your husband is abusive in any way, seek immediate professional help. Never allow yourself to stay in harm’s way.

32 Comments

  1. Melissa on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 8:34 am

    So comforting to know that I am not the only one who struggles with this. I am guilty of comparing my husband to others and wishing he was different. What a difference though when you start looking for the postitives. He loves me and our children, he provides for us, he would do anything for us. I will continue to pray for him to have a closer relationship with God but look for the positives while I pray and wait.



  2. Another Mrs. Miles on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 9:20 am

    I completely agree with you Melissa…and with the words of the article. I have been in the habit of “seeking” or almost expecting the negative behavior of my husband and not taking any time to realize all of his positive actions and his positive nature. I too have been comparing him to others that I think (which is truly disappointing as I don’t truly know) are more spiritual and that are better leaders. He is going through a tough time, internally, and is having a very difficult time expressing to me what is going on with him. This made me angry and I see now that instead of turning to the Lord and praying FOR him, I was lashing out at him. In fact, I have been so upset and confused about what he wants to do as far as our marriage that I could not complete yesterday’s challenge of complementing him….I was just too angry. But, viewing him through the Lord’s eyes invokes compassion for him again; almost immediately. I feel as if I have more in me to understand and continue to pray for him and myself. Thank you, Tracie



  3. Sharee Cupp on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Exactly one month away from our 1 year Anniversary & I realize I’ve been so very wrong for being “disappointed” in my husband for not being the spiritual leader I thought he was supposed to be…. He has been all this time! Hard worker, puts family first, never fails to come home with a good attitude towards me, no matter how rough his day was. I’m the one who put a negative image on him for not being like the image described earlier. Definitely time for a change and an apology. Great read to start my day & change my perspective!



  4. Paola Navedo on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Thank you for today’s study. My husband is not a saved and I pray for him always and I have asked God to help me see him through His eyes. He is a good man and I know my expectations have been out there for a long time – not only spiritual but the normal day to day stuff. The Lord is always humbling me. I find if I don’t put the expectation out there verbally for the things I long for I am not disappointed. I give them to the Lord. He alone sustains.



  5. Melissa on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Thank you for today. This is just what I need to hear. My husband of almost 19 years has always been a good man, good daddy, caring friend and good husband. Just in the past few years he went back to school to become an attorney. He is a very Godly man in his practice and God has blessed that. It has been very hard at times. Sometimes on frustrating days when he is dealing with other peoples problems and I am cooping with working, children and home, I will say to myself that I should have married a preacher who may be more caring to my needs and the needs at home. Thank you for putting this in perspective for me. I want to build him up and not tear him down. I fall very short from the mark many times but I keep praying. I love my husband and am praying for him that God will continue to mold him and build him up into the man that he would have him be. Why should I question the Father when His plan is perfect? Praise Him for what He is doing in our lives and thank you for the struggles that will make us stronger.



    • Kelley (OBS Group Leader) on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 11:45 am

      AMEN. Praise God for the providers. My husband is not a follower of Christ, although he is a believer….however, he definitely is a provider. I must give him credit for the fact that he is HOME with his family, not in bars – he’s a good daddy to our kids – He works extremely hard with owning and operating a 24/7 towing business, and he PROVIDES for our needs while on this earth…….I am blessed above and beyond many and thankful. I love your statement “Why should I question the Father when His plan is perfect” – YES, His plan is perfect, His timing is perfect, and we are placed exactly where we are supposed to be. Thank you for sharing that question!



  6. Carol on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Thank you, Tracie. I’ve been guilty of looking through my “stained looking glass”! While it’s been easy to appreciate and compliment my wonderful husband for loving me, our family and providing for us and being an incredible servant leader in our home and behind-the-scenes hard worker at our church, I kept focusing on what I thought was missing. Repenting, and transforming my prayers for him. Making me more appreciative of those different spiritual gifts, too. 1 Corinthians 12 applies in the home as well as the whole church!



  7. Jeni on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Today, I am thankful for my husband being a spiritual leader. I have alway admired him for the knowledge he has of the Bible and what he has taught me. Until today, I did not recognize him as a spiritual leader as Tracie explained, but he his! He provides for me and my children(who are not his). The struggle I have is that it has been difficult for him to relate to my children emotionally. Often times, he is critical of them and comes accross intimidating. Some of it is that he doesn’t have children and he was not raised in a home that was emotionally nuturing. So today, I pray that I will see my husband as God does. I pray that I continue to see all the good that he does and compliment him for it. I pray that I stop focusing on him not always meeting my expectations. I pray that God will change my husband’s heart and allow him to build a comforting and strong relationship with my children.



  8. Ginger on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Thanks for this post. It is a good reminder to look at my husband the way God does. I am praying that I will be able to see the good and compliment him for it. I am also praying that I will have the patience and compassion for him that I wish he had for me. This was also a good reminder of what a spiritual leader is…despite my definition of what it should be.



  9. Kim on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 10:24 am

    My unbelieving husband is leaving in a couple of weeks. God has told me that right now his salvation is more important than our marriage. I stand in the gap for him now as I have surrendered him over to the Lord



  10. pastors wife on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 10:43 am

    I just wanted to say this is RIGHT ON TIME. I went outside and just cried and prayed for my husband yesterday, for the first time in weeks. My biggest issue in the past few months has been what I thought was a lack of spiritual leadership. I mean, I see him lead a few thousand people each week, and would be hurt when he didn’t live up to my ‘expectations’ of leading our daughter and I at home. I mean, all I wanted was a consistent devotional a few times a week! And just praying together! I long for that closeness… BUT, he is one of the greatest guys that I know, with one of the biggest hearts for people and an incredible daddy. I wouldn’t change a thing about his character. So changing my perspective and expectations is what needs to take place!!

    Reading this blog today was definitely another God appointment for me. Thank you so much for sharing!!!



  11. Shanell Sullivan on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Well this could not have come at a perfect time and a heavy load has been lifted once again. I am not the Holy Spirit for my husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean I no longer have to voice what I think he should be doing for Chirst; just like the Lord delivered me He will deliver him. And by the words of the speaker you mentioned in the devotion “He is on the right track” so I blessed the Lord and truly a wait has been lifted!!!! I am so excited that I on the right track as well and I don’t have to do it all; I can just be me! I am free, praise the Lord I am free, no longer bowned, not more changes holding me; my soul is rest it is such a blessing; praise the Lord I free. Thank you and God bless! I will continue to pray for my man!!!!!!!!



  12. Robyn on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 10:50 am

    very encouraging . thank you



  13. Diane on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 11:00 am

    The message for today pierced my heart like a dagger. Look to myself and my own realistic expectations of what a spiritual leader should look like, my husband. It doesn’t look like the image I had in my head. My husband, if fulfilling his role, there are areas to improve but we all have those. For a man who was not raised a Christian and never saw that a Christian husband or father looks like: God is working through him and in him regardless. I am so blessed to have started my morning with this challenge!



  14. Constance on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 11:08 am

    I also long for my husband to be the spiritual leader in the house. He is living apart from God even though in front of others he does pretend he is a Christian. He does not attend church but prays before meals at home. I wish he would be a better example for our four children. He shares his worldly views with the children which worries me a lot when they don’t coincide with what the Bible says. But I try to see him through God’s eyes and will keep praying for his salvation each day.



  15. Dawn on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 11:17 am

    Thank you for another great post. This made me realize that I was not only holding onto unrealistic expectations for my husband, but also for myself! I pray I can give both of us some slack and realize that although we are both working towards making Christ the center of our life, it will take time and there is bound to be growing pains. We’ve lived much more of our lives not actively seeking God than we have spent seeking Him, and it is difficult to change our worldly habits. I thank God for bringing me to this challenge here!



  16. Kelley (OBS Group Leader) on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 11:38 am

    It took me a LONG time to learn this Tracie! I have a believing husband, but not a following husband. He truly believes in God and has no doubt he’s going to heaven as a result. But my non-following husband cannot spiritually lead our home – so I struggle – with the TV shows he watches (and we have to hear because the TV is in the center of our not so large home), the ones using foul language and are full of things that should not even be on TV) – with sitting in church alone week after week – with not going to small groups because I need to balance my time with my husband to keep peace and he thinks I already give the church too much of my time….it goes on and on – BUT, BUT, BUT…… Praise God for messages like the one you received, for books like Winning Him Without Words by Lynn Donovan and Dineen Miller, for pastors like mine that teach divorce just isn’t an option for me and take me straight to scripture to teach me (1 Peter 3 and 1 Corinthians 7 ). There are couples today that have been married for years and years and this is because divorce just wasn’t an option, whether spiritually or socially – it’s way too easy today and people just walk…… I love my husband, we have been married almost 20 years and I have no intention of giving up on my marriage. God has my husband and the best advice that I can give anyone else struggling like this is to surrender your husband to God – let God handle him, get out of God’s way – AND worry about yourself. Worry about being the best wife you can be, the best christian mother you can be – win him with your actions….it may not happen over night or it may take years (I’m still waiting!) – but God’s timing is perfect and until then – PRAY over them. I find myself at night laying beside my husband and laying my hand on his chest saying – “GOD, right now I am asking you to soften his heart and fill him with the desire for the blood of Jesus – Holy Spirit, please enter his body and allow him to feel your presence” . I get mad, and I get lonely and I get all those negative not so good feelings; but I have so learned after so many years that it only hurts me, it makes me unhealthy. I need to continue building my relationship with Jesus and growing in my walk so when my husband catches up it can be one powerful marriage AND because I know Jesus Christ, I am already claiming that day – the day of victory when my marriage will be complete with Jesus Christ at the head! Thank you Tracie for sharing this message – women are so quick to whine about our husbands and talk them down (man-bash them), it’s good to see a post where WE have responsibilities in this area as well – that means to love our husbands unconditionally, give them credit where due and lift them up – while we let God do the hard work.



  17. Amber on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Thank you so much Tracie. I have had a Cinderella view of what a Spiritual leader is supposed to look like and I have been so wrong. I REALLY needed this today. I am going to start changing my perspective and start trying to see him through Gods eyes instead of my own socially distorted definition. How horrible that I have been focusing on all the things I think God will NOT approve of instead of the wonderful provider, companion, servant, father, and friend he is. God change me, start in me Lord.



  18. Kerry on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    I am totally opposite…..I am blessed in so many ways….my husband is saved, is a devoted Christian and servant and in the past four months has evolved into a wonderful spiritual leader in our home. Being a truck driver and driving thousands of miles, he has completed “listening” to the Bible twice (‘The Word of Promise”) and is currently on his third time in four months. It’s a wonderful blessing that his job allows for him to do this (while he works). Working full-time, being a mom, etc, I find it hard to even find the time to get around to my daily devotionals, let alone listen or read the Bible straight through. I long to be a better servant, but my priority is to be there for our 4 year old son and to continue to build our spiritual foundation in his life. This is what I concentrate on. I have to admit, I tend to get “jealous” of my husband for being able to serve and practice his faith more than I am able to. To look at my husband through Gods eyes…it’s incredible! He’s doing everything he is suppose to and it’s time that I STOP complaining when he’s not home every Thursday to spend time with our son and tuck him into bed, because he is serving at the homeless showers. Tracie, you just “nailed it” for me…….OUCH is RIGHT! Thank you and God Bless!



  19. LauraK on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    What a great reminder for today. Perspective is so important. And asking God to allow us to see our husbands as He sees them is a super-powerful tool. The grace and compassion that can fill our heart when we do that is sure to spill over to our interactions with our Misters AND our families. A beautiful witness.



  20. Cindy on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Hitting home!



  21. Audrey on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    This really hit home for me, too. Too often I focus on what my husband is/is not, paying no regard to the great man he really is and seeing him through God’s eyes. What a great perspective. I needed to hear this….and now I miss my man! Can’t wait to give him a hug when he gets home. Thank you for this, and God bless.



  22. Kim on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Wow. I feel like I WROTE that paragraph on the perfect leader….It’s exactly how I picture it. I wonder how far off I would be from my husband’s description of a PERFECT WIFE.
    I, too, am horrible for COMPARING my husband to other men. My friends hubbies, my elders and ministers all seem to be the type of leaders I desire in my husband. But would I have married them? No way. 🙂 Thanks for the reminder to appreciate the leadership qualities he already has and give over the rest to our God who can change any heart.



  23. Lindy Lou on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    My man is a believer and we are both working on our walk to become spiritually stronger. I love this message to see him through God’s eyes and not with my heavy expectations. I want to appreciate him not criticizes him. I’m so in love with where I feel God is directing this study and my heart.



  24. Charlotte L. on Thursday, March 14, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    Wow, wow, wow. Tracie,I felt like you were inside of my head, while I was reading today’s challenge. The description of the way that you imagined your husband to be as a leader, is almost exactly Word for Word the way I think of my husband and how I want him to be. Thank you for the huge REALITY CHECK. for the 18 years of our marriage my husband has led our family to church every Sunday (and that was while living in five foreign countries!!!), prayed with our children nightly, opened our home to Bible studies, supported me as i led in Women’s ministries, and made our summer plans completely revolve around our children’s one week of Christian summer camp……and yet I have still complained verbally to him that he was not “spiritual enough”. Ouch is right. Thank you so much for this new perspective. This is the very reason why I do things like The Marriage Challenge; because thankfully God has blessed me with a desire to always be growing and becoming more Christ-like, even if that means I have to be shown that I’ve been looking at something wrongly for so long!!



  25. Ionela on Friday, March 15, 2013 at 8:21 am

    thank you for reminding me to look for the small changes that God does in my husbands heart, as well as the things he does that i took for granted so far, like the fact that he works hard to take care of us.



  26. Jennifer on Friday, March 15, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Tracie,
    This article today really made me stop and think. It has given some validity to the way I have been feeling lately. As I shared earlier in the week, I am going through a desperate time in my marriage. It is nice to see someone else say that just because he isn’t giving me what I need (or anything for that matter) doesn’t let me off the hook for giving him what he needs from me. So many times recently I have wondered if I should keep doing what I think I should be doing for him as my husband despite the fact that he has all but abandoned our marriage. Thanks for the positive reinforcement, that I still have the responsibility to be a Godly wife and reminding me that it’s not my job to try to change him. I will continue to pray not only for specific areas of my husbands life but for our marriage as well. Thank you!!!



  27. Heather on Friday, March 15, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    I let disappointments and comparisons cloud my view of my husband. He DOES provide for us and love us. He has even started doing devotions with me at night. Dear God, please help me to focus more on the good things.



  28. Brave on Friday, March 15, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Tracie,thank you very much for true PERSPECTIVE! It’s touch my heart.



  29. Lucretia on Saturday, March 16, 2013 at 12:18 am

    I can make some special treats for him to take on the road with him next week. Treats just for him, not the kids. He would really appreciate that.



  30. Jane on Saturday, March 16, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Thank you for your powerful testimony. My husband does provide for many and believe. I need to take Phil 4:8 to heart and be thankful for the positives and give him to God and let God do the rest.



  31. Terri on Thursday, March 21, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Doesn’t God always give you what you need when you need it???? Then why do I always worry so much ??? My husband and I have been trying to work on our marriage, and then this came along, I love learning new things from God everyday!!! Thanks so much



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Tracie Miles is a bestselling author and the Director of COMPEL Training with Proverbs 31 Ministries.  She helps women grow stronger in their faith, pursue the life of purpose God designed them for and live a life of peace, joy and happiness despite their circumstances.

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