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I was so blessed on Friday reading each and every suggestion for how to provide “little things” for our husbands. Each comment was proof that wives know how to touch their husband’s heart in unique ways that only they can. Thank you all for sharing so openly and honestly, for encouraging each other, and for admitting that it’s not always easy. I am confident that God will bless all of your sweet efforts, even if the blessing is not immediately seen.
 The random winner of Lysa TerKeurst’s book Capture His Heart is Kristy who posted on March 15, 2013 at 9:46 am.  If this is you, please contact me with your mailing address to receive your free book!
Men are supposed to be protectors of us women, with their strong hands, innate protective nature and overall manliness.
However, today, I want to talk about how we can protect our husband and our marriage at the same time, through protecting his honor.
1 Corinthians 13:7 says “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”, which means to love with a love that protects.
To give a “protecting” type of love means to be very careful about who we share “personal” details of our married life with, especially the sharing of those areas of our relationships that need extra help and Godly counsel.
A man’s reputation is a very important aspect of his being. It is what fuels his self esteem, giving him the confidence to be the big, strong protector that God called him to be, and that we want him to be. And giving honor builds that confidence tremendously.
But what about those times when our men are not acting honorably? When their choices bring heartbreak, difficult consequences, or strife in the marriage? When decisions they make negatively affect them, the marriage, and the rest of the family?
In times like those just mentioned, it is hard to think of honor, instead of bitterness and revenge. And it is hard to honor someone whom you are losing, or have lost, respect for. However, it can be done if we seek Gods strength and courage, and rely on Him to help us do what we do not feel like doing at all. And in some marriages, we do fully honor our husbands, but we fall short in showing that honor in ways that really matter.
There are definitely times when we need to talk out problems with a trusted friend, and in the heat of an argument, or in the after shock of hurt and frustration, we probably all feel those ‘tell-all’ desires bubbling up as we long for support and words of encouragement from other women. We women want to talk, talk, talk – it is just how God made us! And that can be a great emotional release which elicits positive and helpful advice — but there is also an invisible boundary we should always respect.
When a disagreement happens, we may immediately begin thinking about who we can call to vent and express our anger to. We just want to talk to someone who can make us feel better, validate our feelings, tell us that things will be okay, and maybe even trash talk our husbands along with us. We want them to know the mistakes our man made, the hurtful things they said or did, and the harsh feelings that had taken up residence in our heart.
But in time what often happens, is that arguments end. Anger subsides or decreases. Love returns. Restoration occurs. And in some cases, the issue that caused the situation seems much smaller than it did at first, sometimes even silly, in retrospect. Eventually, life gets back to normal.
It is in that moment, when we are faced with the aftermath of our choices. After apologies have been shared, we may deeply regret the critical words spoken about our husbands and the tainted opinion of them we planted into the minds of our friends and family. Or we will be thankful that we took our deepest raw feelings to God, instead of people, knowing that we stopped short of crossing the invisible boundary into the territory of dishonor.
I speak from experience, on both accounts. There are times that I sought out comfort from friends instead of God, and later regretted that decision. Yet there are more times when I didn’t give in to my desires to share my anger and hurt with others as a way of dealing with my feelings or getting back at my husband. Times when the wrong choice would have dishonored him as a man, a husband, a provider, and a friend.
I would have skewed the opinion that my friends or relatives have of him, and most likely, not remember to go back and tell them that we made up, and how we fixed things, or that I had been wrong. I probably would have forgotten about the situation, and moved on with life, while leaving those I vented to with a permanent negative picture, and possibly resentful feelings, about my man.
Let’s face it. Women are emotional creatures, and we thrive on emotional support from friends. God gave us friends for that reason. But in our friendships, we are also called to have boundaries – and one important boundary is not to invite people to a husband bashing party, because it dishonors him, and your relationship, in more ways than one.
In Proverbs 31:11-12, we read “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
This verse is a stark reminder of how important it is that we not only build up our husbands for their good traits, but remember to protect and honor them, even when their bad traits come blaring out.
We can view this verse as God’s promise that a wife’s efforts of forgiveness and self restraint will not go unrewarded. You see, a husband who has a wife who honors him will eventually have full confidence in her love, and respect her as a person above any other he knows, because he cannot help but recognize that she does not bring him harm with her words.
Most women look to the Proverbs 31 woman in the bible as a role model they could never live up to. She represents the type of woman that we all want to be, but fall short of being every day, making that type of virtuousness seem like an impossibility in our own lives.
But one of the things that the Bible states is an important trait of a virtuous wife, is to have a husband that is respected, and we can play a role in helping that happen.
Proverbs 31:23 says he is “known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land”. Anyone, man or woman, has to earn respect from peers, but a woman can provide that respect through her commitment to pray for her husband and honor him in front of other people, and especially in front of their children.
Another applicable verse for this topic is Ephesians 4:29, which says “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (NIV)
This could be so easy for some of us, but the hardest thing in the world for others. Our desire to honor our husbands may hinge on the relationships we had with our own fathers, how much damage has occurred in the marriage, and many other extenuating circumstances. So if giving or protecting his honor is something we are accustomed to doing, or even desire to do, we will need to ask for God’s help to do so. And if we have been guilty of dishonoring in the past, which we’ve all most likely done, let’s not beat ourselves up over it. God forgives, and we can forgive ourselves, and commit each new day to think before we speak.
We cannot control our husbands reputation, his free will, or his decisions, but we can control our own tongues and thoughts. We can control the things that leave our mouths and whether or not we are honoring him with our words –Â in his presence, and when he is not around to defend himself.
It may be hard, and may take a lot of prayer, but God calls a wife to honor and respect her husband, and it’s very possible that when he feels honored, he will begin to act more honorably as well.
A wife has the power to help other people respect her husband, by the respect she gives him herself. Today is a great day to start spreading some honor.
DAY 5 CHALLENGE IS TWO-FOLD:
1. Each time the opportunity arises to say something negative about your husband to someone else — pause, pray, and ask God to help you say something positive instead, or nothing at all. Ask Him for strength to refrain from venting your anger, if that is what you normally do. Try to break the habit of dishonoring your husband to others, so that he will be well respected at the gate. Also ask God to help guard your thoughts, because the words of our lips will flow from our hearts.
2. Each time the opportunity arises to criticize your husband to his face, ask God to help you think of something positive or to simply bite your tongue. Even if he deserves the criticism or a sarcastic response, it really only causes hurt and conflict to say it aloud. Sometimes, silence can be golden.
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(If you do feel the need to talk with someone and gain support about problems in your marriage, which always helps a hurting heart, just be sure to pick someone you can trust, and someone that will become a prayer warrior for you, your husband and your marriage. God gives us friends so that we do have people to support us, I am merely suggesting that we be cautious about sharing, versus bashing, and that we pick our friends very wisely. If your marriage is in need of professional advice, consider contacting a Christian counselor or Pastor. )
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Tracie Miles is a bestselling author and the Director of COMPEL Training with Proverbs 31 Ministries. She helps women grow stronger in their faith, pursue the life of purpose God designed them for and live a life of peace, joy and happiness despite their circumstances.
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Very convicted. I will work on letting God’s peace be with me in hard times!
I am so guilty of this. Today it stops. “God not girlfriends!” I will encourage my GFs to do the same. These guys get bashed every day by the world, we spouses need to be their safe haven. Amen.
Beautifully said, Heidi. I usually keep everything inside, letting things become so tense that the smallest thing sets off many critical feelings. Recently, I started to talk more about what has been going on within my marriage with a very small set of friends and my parents. Although, I believe finally expressing said feelings and finally letting people know that I needed help was good, as I found this website and challenge in the process, I now know that my first reaction should have been to call God’s name. I will actively work on that as we continue to work through this difficult time in our marriage and as I continue to develop, in God’s word, as a woman and a wife.
This one was painful to read. This is exactly why my sister does not like my husband. I stopped confiding in her, in regards to my marriage, several months ago, but to read this today really hit home. Thank you, Tracie, for putting this into words so I can truly understand the damage I’ve done. No more. I need to work on building him up. God bless.
First of all, I thank you again for this challenge. We had a great weekend. I continue to practice the previous days’ challenges and GOD is at work! I am afraid that I have fallen trap to the husband bashing and have not realized how much damage has been done. For that, I am asking God for forgiveness! I need to protect my husband as he does me. I have not ever thought about it that way until today. Again, thank you!!
We learned this through the opposite way. When we were engaged, Hubs would use a group to ‘vent out’ his frustrations with me and our wedding. Eventually we got married and I started meeting the group. They completely disrespected me, and I would wind up crying and yelling at Hubs about their behavior, though he would just shurgg it off and not tell them to quit because he didn’t want to cause any arguements; he actually would somewhat encourage it. I finally started trying to defend myself to them, and it caused a lot of discontent. We left that group very ‘unsettled.’ Hubs has since realized that the main reason why this group treated me so awful was because of what he said to them before we got married; since he was so disrespectful about me to them, they thought it was acceptable to treat me that way as well.
Thank you for this timely reminder. I have hurt my husband terribly by seeking counsel; we and he have lost friendships and I have tarnished his reputation. Praying for God to restore my wrongs.
Wow! Great! Ouch is all i can say!! I will make it a habit to honor my husband. Also I’ve experienced the fallout of sharing with family & friends they never get pass it! From experince share with the Lord and he’ll handle it.
“Silence is golden”…choose Godly friends to vent situation too…and prayerfully consider how we share our “criticism” to our husbands and about our husbands. This topic really helps me to think and pray before I react regarding my husband. AND, it has helped me with a dear friend’s situation, I know how I need to help her when she vents to me!
What a great column, Tracie.
I would also strongly encourage women to carefully examine what they watch on TV. You’ll find that husbands and fathers are portrayed as idiots on way too many sitcoms and “children’s/tweens’/teens'” shows. Turn them off!
And when you see those portrayals in commercials, tell your children and husband how you hate those — and consider letting the companies know that you disagree with their marketing tactics.
I almost never talk bad about my husband with my parents nor siblings. The one person fortunately I tell my conflicts it’s my mother-in-law. I know she understands me and since its her son, it is more easily for LoVe to overcome hate or bad feelings toward my husband (his son).
I was given this advice as well, at one of my bridal showers – it has been one of the best pieces of advice ever! I have only confided in my MIL four or five times in 13 years of marriage, but it has always helped and not hurt our marriage. Mothers love their boys no matter what, and they are often so wise in helping things.
Thank you! I also have been guilty of this in the past and destroyed my husbands reputation, especially in my family. I try to refrain myself from venting in front of others now but needed this reminder! With God’s help I will build up his reputation and only speak positive things about him to my family.
Thank you for the reminder. As a woman, it is SO hard when I can’t let out my frustrations to someone! We typically wear our hearts on our sleeves! I have learned this lesson the hard way for sure. Finding the right person to talk to, someone who will offer godly encouragement and listen with a non-judgemental heart, this is a true confidant. I have found that knowing someone else is praying for your relationship helps so much!
Today’s topic smacked me upside the head! I have vented to christian friends and that can be helpful, but sometimes later I would wish I hadn’t disclosed so many details. Instead I should turn to God and pray for my husband and marriage. I really need to work on this , but thank you for tips as to how to handle anger and frustration in a way that is not dishonoring to my husband. I need this study. God bless.
My toes got stepped on! I really need to seek my advice from God first.
I have never had the problem of dishonoring my hubby to friends or family, thankfully. However, in front of my children…….is another matter. This message was convicting!!! Although I don’t do it blatantly with rude words, sometimes I do it with body language. When our teen kids see my hubby do something thoughtless, or annoying, and they think it’s “stupid”, I sometimes validate their feelings with a raised eyebrow or a smile of consent. Oh, that’s so bad. This is something that God has already laid on my heart to work on, and today’s challenge was a huge reminder. I’m grateful that our marriage has been so good for the 18 yrs. we’ve been married and that I haven’t had situations I felt I needed to vent to others about him.
Several years ago I was blessed with a prayer and accountability group of 5 Christian women who made it one of our top rules to not husband bash. We also committed to speak truth in love to one another when we did need to talk about something our husbands had done. There was a time or two when one of them would lovingly come to my husband’s defense and ask me to think about the circumstances differently. That takes real friendship and real commitment to following God’s word in how we act. We all also agreed to make sure we didn’t treat other’s husbands with contempt when we were at social gatherings together. We all trusted each other not to dislike the other’s husbands because of things that may have been revealed in our group. In turn, our husbands all trusted us and the 4 other women in the group to not bash them or turn on them when we shared some things about the relationships.
It was a God ordained group at a specific time in my life that I hope I will have again someday.
wow very convicting and ashamedly I am convicted that sharing with others my husband is not a believer was really a dig or a bashing thank you Lord for convicting me and please forgive me help me to always honor my hubby and Lord bridle my mouth so that my words will be your words.
no
However, being our husband’s helper does not mean being subservient, less than, inferior or controlled. It does not mean surrendering or accepting any type of abuse, or considering ourselves as inferior to our husband. It does mean justifying abuse or blaming ourselves, or surrendering to a life filled with patterns of pain.
You stated what being a husband’s helper Does Not mean, but then you stated that being a husband’s helper “does mean justifying abuse or blaming ourselves, or surrendering to a life filled with patterns of pain.” Please explain the meaning because as stated it means that wives have to justify abusive actions perpetrated against them.