Marriage Challenge Day 6: PLAY

coupleCompared to the first 5 days of challenges, I bet today’s challenge looks pretty easy. Well don’t jump to conclusions, because finding the time and energy and desire to play can be difficult.

After all, life is busy, chaotic; and stressful. As a result, couples often fail to put their relationships at the top of their priority lists simply because everything else that screams for their attention seems more important or urgent – whether it’s a deadline at the office, piles of laundry, or multiple trips to soccer, football, and dance practices. But eventually that lack of closeness and time together can result in awkwardness, tension, distance, and waning feelings of love. Over time, the lack of time for each other, can create a lack of interest in the relationship.

All work and no play can make a marriage feel like a job instead of a joy. Or a responsibility, instead of a relationship.

So many of us get caught up doing life, that we forget to stay caught up in our marriage. In fact, a recent study stated that a lack of quality time together was one of the top ten causes of divorce because eventually people out of sync with each other.

Even in cases where couples deeply love each other, if there is a lack of togetherness, the friendship part of the relationship may begin to fade. If it fades long enough, it might disappear altogether.

I was recently thinking about some close friends I had from high school, college, former jobs and years past. Friends that I loved and adored and had everything in common with. Friends who had been through thick and thin with me. Friends who were precious and important. But due to living in different cities or states, changing jobs, having kids, and living increasingly busy lives, we grew apart. The phone calls became less and less. The emails got shorter, until they stopped altogether. And eventually, communication ended. Relationship over.

There were no problems in these friendships, I treasured each person and was thankful for their presence in my life. But the lack of focus on both ends, and the pull to more pressing things in life, resulted in some wonderful friendships simply fading away. And the same thing can happen between a husband and a wife.

“Play” is not something to take for granted at all, especially in marriage. That is the one relationship we don’t want to let fade.

I tend to think that women care more about spending time together than men, or at least that is my unofficial opinion. It just seems that women, with the nurturing spirits God placed in us, are generally more inclined to think about quality time with the ones we love, than men do. However, regardless of who thinks it is more important, or whose fault it is that we may have not been making each other a priority, it is never too late to push time together back up to the top of our priority lists.

If you were to ask my husband to name one thing that I consistently “whine” about, it would be that we don’t seem to have any alone time together; or comments such as ” I have hardly seen you all week”, followed by sniff, sniff, and head hung low.  In fact, a lack of time together has unfortunately become our reality, because a new job he took on about a year ago causes him to be out of town four to five days a week. Our only real time together now – is weekends. And I want to get the most out of those 2 days that I possibly can. Bless my husband’s heart.

Time is the most priceless commodity that we have, and once it is spent, we can never get it back. How we spend that commodity can impact our lives, and our marriage, in big and life changing ways.

Maybe you and your husband haven’t been spending much time together in recent months because life is busy.  Or maybe because the kids and all their needs and activities take up all of your time, or energy.  Or maybe it’s because you have different interests.  Or maybe because you feel you have grown apart.

Or maybe it’s just that you have inadvertently not made time to play and reconnect, a priority  –  simply never taking into consideration whether or not you are spending our most precious commodity on the most important relationship in your life.

Maybe it’s time to put aside all our excuses, and start making time for each other, no matter what.  When husbands and wives spend time together, they have each other’s undivided attention. Opportunities to talk, listen, communicate. And communication is the foundation of every marriage. Without time spent together, and time spent communicating, even a rock solid relationship is headed for rocky seas.

Time together with our spouse is always time well spent. If we hold fast to this truth, we may soon see that everyone else & everything else  – can wait.

DAY 6 CHALLENGE:   PLAY

Your challenge for today is to think of some ways that you and your husband can spend some dedicated alone time together.  Maybe it’s on a romantic date that you haven’t made time for in far too long, or maybe it’s just turning off the television after the kids go to bed, and talking.

Consider making a list of things you used to do together in the beginning of your relationship, or things you you currently like to enjoy together, and check out opportunities to do some of those again.  We are never too old to have fun. And with fun, comes laughter, togetherness, and happiness.

If your husband has been unreceptive to your attempts for ‘date-nights’, suggested activities or romantic getaways in the past, begin to pray for God to soften his heart and help your husband see how important his time and attention is to you. Just as we at times take for granted that our husbands need respect and honor,  men often take for granted a wife’s need for time and attention, so praying for our husband’s hearts about this subject is always worthwhile. And making sure he knows how we feel and that we are communicating our needs, is also crucial.

If you have a great idea for couples to do together, from the most basic of activities to outlandish suggestions, maybe you could share them with the rest of us. Or maybe you have a sweet tactic for how you got your husband to begin seeing the importance of spending time together, and how he came around to understand your point of view and your need for his time attention. If so, your sisters in Christ are all ears and would love to hear your suggestion!

If you are receiving this post in email and would like to leave a comment, please click here.

**If you missed any of the earlier challenges due to the technical issues my website was experiencing, the links to those posts are below:

14 Days To A Better Marriage Challenge

Marriage Challenge Kickoff: PREPARE

Marriage Challenge Day 1: PRAY

Marriage Challenge Day 2: PROMOTE

Marriage Challenge Day 3: PERSPECTIVE

Marriage Challenge Day 4: PROVIDE

Marriage Challenge Day 5: PROTECT

 

24 Comments

  1. gina on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 8:48 am

    my husband and i make it a point on Saturday mornings to get up early, in warm weather we go to yard and estate sales, we go to grocery store together and either have breakfast or lunch..just the two of us…we have 4 children, so Saturday mornings have become special to us…we also try to plan a date night once a month, and a family night once a month, where we all go and do something together.



    • Debbie on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 2:30 pm

      I love this one! Thanks for sharing:)



  2. Jeni on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 9:36 am

    My husband and I do spend alot of time together. We enjoy being at the children’s events togther. We enjoy watching movies at home. However, my desire is to have a “formal” date night–diner(not just “hey let’s go grab something to eat” or a movie. These things are important to me–not so much to my husband. We have had multiple discussions(arguments) about this and he just doesnt get it or maybe he doesn’t care that it is important to me. I am frankly tired of asking and I don’t anymore. I do enjoy all of the other things we do together informally, but the other is important to me as well. So my prayer is exactly what you stated: I pray that the Lord will soften my husband’s heart so that he sees how important to me a date is and for him to undestand my point of view.
    Thank you Tracie!



  3. Laura on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 9:36 am

    We love to hike together, go snow shoeing, skiing, biking or simpler things like dance in the living room with or without the kids, cook weekend meals together, sit & visit over a cup of tea after the kids go to bed, play cribbage or cards by the fire, cuddle on the floor petting our “first child” (black lab) together, or simply having a small piece of Dove dark chocolate & sharing the messages inside the wrapper. We always make a point of sharing a kiss when we see sunsets or at any vista on a hike. It makes me smile to writethe all of this & I hope it gives ideas to any who need them. Blessings on your day & your marriage! 🙂



  4. Naomi on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Before having 4 kids my husband would take me to play golf with him. He was the greatest teacher and we had lots of fun together!



  5. Lissa on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Great post! I’m proud to say that my husband is the one who usually suggest the play time. With me in school and working at one point in my marriage he was feeling neglected. So i decided to study and make time for him and God has granted me favor in school and in my marriage for doing so. our date days range from going to dinner and a movie, spur of the moment lake trips with a disposable grill and grilling hotdogs talking and enjoying the day. we also check into a hotel in town sometimes as our getaway from the hustle and bustle. Our most common time is spent on the weekend viewing movies on Netflix and chilling out together with snacks!!



  6. Charlene on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 10:54 am

    I guess I’ve been the one to resit play time. But things my husband has suggested have not appealed to me. For example, he wanted to go to Las Vegas for a weekend- at first I resisted- he got upset- wasn’t a pretty situation. Then I looked into all the activities and sites that you could see & do without stepping foot in a casino. Unfortunately we had to cancel the plans as his father is terminally ill. I need to really work on this area.



  7. Diane on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 10:59 am

    yay! i am doing something right! we have regular date nights each month even if its home alone enjoying talk and beverages outside (without kiddos). however, we started having special date nights every couple of month where we actually spend the night away at a hotel, its so fun! it may be the next city but after a nice dinner or a comedy show…its so fun to have a “staycation datenight.”



  8. Anna on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 11:09 am

    My husband and I nearly lost our marriage several years ago because we hadn’t been intentional about being a part of one anothers lives. He had his interests, I had mine, and we rarely explored the others territory. Infidelity brought us to the edge of the abyss, but it also woke us up to the realization that neither of us wanted an expiration date for our marriage. We needed to be intentional about learning about each other again-we needed to explore the interests of the other-we needed to cherish one another again instead of taking each other for granted. Today, we are keenly aware that life is short, that each day, each exploration, each discovery we make together enriches our relationship, and brings us closer together.

    My prayer for each sister participating in this challenge is to not take your husband for granted, to involve yourself in his life in just one way, and that you will find the joy of discovering the next chapter of your marriage together.



  9. Kerry on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    My husband has been serving in many ministries throughout the church (not to mention working 60 hours plus a week) and participated in the men’s bible study every monday. Because of my work schedule and my responsibilities at home, I have not found a study (until this one) that I could make time for. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s just reality. Any way, knowing this and how “neglected” I was feeling, my husband and I decided that Wednesday nights would be our bible student night together. We’ve always wanted to do this, but now it’s a reality and it’s wonderful. We talk about things that we probably wouldn’t have a regular conversation about in passing. We have also started our own “library” of books that we want to read and share with one another. In the past four years, I can probably count on both hands the time we have done date night (yes, our son is now four), so last weekend we had a date night….a simple dinner and movie, but it was so great. Even if it is only one hour a week, it’s our hour and that is what counts. I thank God for this blessing and for guiding us through our journey through his words.



  10. Shanell on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    My husband and I have lunch one day out of the week. And I do have plans to go to the movies with him at the end of the month! Grateful for the time and even more excited that you are opening our minds about things that I have taken for granted. The Lord is truly moving and I blessed to see Him at work in the both of us. Thank you lady!



  11. Heather on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Turning off the TV and putting down the phones are big ones! I’m going to invite him to go on a hike this weekend and hit the dance floor after like when we first met!



  12. Lindy Lou on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    I feel like I struggle with this. I always seem to want more and am not satisfied with the quality time we do get. We have a few date nights a month, but his phone seems to still interupt and then I feel like the entire date has been voided. I know I need to pray about my perspective. However, we do seem to spend quality time together doing eachothers hobbies which I absolutly love. Perhaps we need more face to face quiet time. I appreciate this study and reading all the other ladies posts. I feel very blessed to know God is at work here.



  13. Bethany on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Thank you for all of these awesome ideas so far Tracie and boy, this one today is so true. I, like you, rarely see my husband. He works out of town or nights (doesn’t help for us having children either) depending on the time of year so we have a rough time. We’ve been married almost 2 years & together about 5 years and the whole time, it’s been like this. We always say we need to make fun time together & we make plans to do a date or do something but fights usually stop those ideas. We have things in common we like to do but finances, house projects, time, & fights seem to stop those things. We keep saying we’re going to do house projects on Saturday & have fun on Sunday or vice versa. I crave those times we have together but as you said, men don’t see it that way. When he was in town working nights, I asked him to do a lunch date & he’d usually say no, we can have lunch on the weekends together. So again, crave that time together during the week. We just bought some 4-wheelers so hoping (when it gets warm) we can start riding them & doing that together.



  14. Michelle Cox on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    We are very fortunate that we get respite services for our special needs child as well as our church hosts a once a month respite night for families with special needs. So once a month we can drop all 3 kids off at church for 3 hours on a Friday evening and go out. Sometimes that time gets filled with errands such as Christmas shopping for the kids in November or December. This past Friday night though we dropped the kids off and went an played mini-golf (something we hadn’t done in a long time) followed by some frozen yogurt and walking around an outdoor mall. It was a gorgeous warm evening here in California. My husband was also very kind and generous to me for my birthday this year and bought me season tickets to our local Broadway series of shows. It guaranteed us 5 dates (since I used one set of tickets to take my girls to see Beauty and the Beast instead of taking him) over the course of the year that were preplanned in advance and we go out to dinner beforehand. I really appreciated his thoughtfulness (of course I pretty much shoved the flier in his face about the tickets) in getting tickets to something I really enjoy and he has come to enjoy with me.



  15. Carol on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    I grew up in a family where we all cooked together and everybody pitched in on projects (or was somewhat shunned if they didn’t). My husband grew up an only child with him mom hovering over him and not letting him do things all by himself. Took me years to get over his just not wanting to cook together –and even longer to understand his sincere desire that I not “help” (or even offer to help) him unless he asks for it. He was reading my desire for together time as lack of faith in his ability and/or responsibility. Not at all what I intended!

    So… fun together time? Well, if I ask about whether there’s a car show or if he wants to take the Jeep four-wheeling, he is all for it – or comes up with his own alternative suggestion. Offer him home court advantage, just because you love him, and sometimes he’ll volunteer to watch a chick flick instead. Just have to make sure it’s not a man-bashing chick flick, but something where he can picture himself as the hero. The guy who proposed to me still wants to be my knight in shining armor – that’s what he thought he was signing up for.



  16. Katherine on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    My husband and I are blessed to have a date night each Friday. We enjoy doing lots of different activities such as pottery class, dinner,movie,painting class,or going out for coffee. You can also do things that don’t cost money; we just spent time at a local pond Saturday sitting together watching the ducks. Another one of our favorite free things is to go to the track and walk a few miles.



  17. K on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    yeesh. Reading these comments from other women make me jealous! (something I always struggle with) We have two little ones at home and other commitments that fill up a week very quickly! A date night just for the heck of it doesn’t happen for us. And if we have a free night he usually just wants to chill in front of the TV and do nothing for a change. I will begin to pray for my husband to see the need for face time together, as asking for it usually doesn’t get anywhere but arguments. Thanks for reminding me AGAIN how the change won’t come from ME, but from God.sa



  18. Charlotte on Tuesday, March 19, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    It’s definitely true that with three children, a busy job, and other commitments that it is necessary to be intentional with carving out one on one time. My husband is usually the one who wants to go out to dinner with me every week, and we’ve always been blessed with being able to get babysitters for our kids. This challenge today made me realize that I take it for granted that my husband likes to take me out or spend time with me. He loves Jazz music and I don’t really care for it. The last time we were at one of our favorite restaurants, he saw that they were having a jazz night this weekend. He said he would really like to go to it and I sort of noncommittally said okay, but he knew I wasn’t really into it. He went ahead and made the reservations for this Saturday night, and I’m going to make a big effort of being excited about going and enjoying my time with him that night. I know enthusiasm and a positive attitude on this night will mean a lot to him. I should just do it a little more often when we’re doing something that he has suggested because I know it will mean a lot to him.



  19. Heather on Wednesday, March 20, 2013 at 9:43 am

    My husband and I started exercising together at 5:30a.m. I know, it doesn’t sound like ‘fun’, but just hear me out. It was a struggle in the beginning, but we’ve been at it for 2 months now and wouldn’t take anything for that time spent together. We start by taking a few minutes to talk and drink some strong black coffee:) Then we head down to the basement for our workout. We congratulate each other when we finish. We compliment each other’s progress. This new routine that started off as a chore has turned into a blessing. We are rekindling the intimacy that had often been pushed aside in our ‘busyness’. We are now “partners”, working together to keep our bodies AND marriage strong and healthy!



  20. Abi on Wednesday, March 20, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    A date night with our husbands doesnt have to be a romantic getaway night, it can be a stay home night. I have 2 boys (3&6) and it is hard to find a reliable and trustworthy nanny. So always a good idea its to put boys to sleep and even if its in front of TV at the beginning, he eventually turns it off because whatever he is watching I try my best to be engaged and interested. I used the commercials time to try to interact/talk to him and “shut up” when they are done. He eventually turns TV off and even a view of the back yard of out balcony works great. I love getaway date nights but not always possiible.



  21. Kayla M on Wednesday, March 20, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    I too struggle with this. I do make an effort to do things with him. This past weekend we started repainting our house while our daughter was napping and it was beautiful outside as we’ll. even though it was painting I still enjoyed it. However, I have often asked my hubby to go out with me or for us to take a one night getaway somewhere but he never wants to leave our daughter overnight. He is never open to the idea. We go out to eat once in a blue moon. Please pray for us and for me that we would expand our quality time together. I will be praying for my husband in this area as well. That God would soften his heart.



  22. Stefanie Lynn Brown on Saturday, March 23, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    Tracie,

    I was reading your email on Marriage Challenge Day 6 when my heart leapt out to you. You mentioned your husband took a traveling job a year ago. My husband traveled every week, Monday thru Thursday, sometimes Friday, for three years. Not an easy situation in which a marriage thrives! I am committed to praying for you both, every morning at 5:45. (I am physically working out then, and it serves as a great time to work out my spirit as well!)
    I always told myself the situation was not as bad as it could be; I so appreciate and pray for all the military families that don’t get to see someone for many months at a clip! But, it is still challenging.
    I took some advice to heart: as a parent, you should always invest a little more into your relationship with your spouse, than your children. If you are a single mom during a few days, invest a little extra into something important to you. I found when I followed this I was a better mom, a more understanding wife, and a better daughter to God.
    Hope this serve to encourage you!
    Stefanie



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Tracie Miles is a bestselling author and the Director of COMPEL Training with Proverbs 31 Ministries.  She helps women grow stronger in their faith, pursue the life of purpose God designed them for and live a life of peace, joy and happiness despite their circumstances.

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