Now dont get me wrong, I know I am “needed”. My kids need me to fix their breakfast, pack their lunches, run them around to all of their many social and sports activities, bake brownies, cook dinner, wash their clothes, take them to church, tuck them in at night, and love and nurture them each and every day.
My husband needs to me to love him, love on him, and appreciate all of his hard work. He needs food and clean clothes, and really loves a clean house.
My sister needs me to help her out with doctors appointments and kids stuff, and to be a friend and confidant. My parents and in-laws need a good daughter and daughter in law. My neices and nephews need a good aunt, my friends need me to care about them, my church needs my involvement, my ministry needs my involvement. And so on.
But despite all that, I have been feeling useless in Gods Kingdom lately. I know that is not how God wants me to feel, but I cant help it! My speaking schedule has been slow this year, so other than writing on my blog, monthly P31 devotions, and working on a book proposal idea, I havent been doing that much in ministry. I stepped off of my church women’s ministry team after leading it for six years, and my corporate training schedule has even slowed down for the summer. So, Im not feeling all that busy!
I guess I have been equating my ministry-busyness, with my worthiness, and I didnt even realize it.
Me…. the girl who leads stress management classes telling people not to be so busy. Me…. the girl who leads ministry sessions on finding our worthiness in Christ, and not in our actions or accomplishments. Me? Uh oh. I realized that while my heart had been longing to see God do something awesome, that I forgot to see how He was using me right where I was.
Last week, I was praying about this feeling of uselessness. I asked God why I was feeling uesless and “visionless”. I shared my feelings about how nothing exciting or God worthy seemed to be going on in my life. I questioned why God has me in the season of non-busyness; a season of waiting to see what doors God wants to open next; a season of trusting that God is preparing me for something exciting, even if I cant “see” anything happening.
Then I opened my Utmost For His Highest daily devotion book to the June 4 devotion, and here is what it said:
Hebrews 13:5 “For He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”
As I read through the devotion, one of the paragraphs said this: “Sometimes it is not the difficulty that makes me think God will forsake me, but the drudgery. There is no Hill Difficulty to climb, no vision given, nothing wonderful or beautiful, just the commonplace day in and day out.”
Those words seemed to jump out on the page straight into my heart. That is exactly how I had been feeling, and God was speaking to me. I wasnt feeling useless and visionless because of problems in my life, but just because everything seemed to be staying the same ol ,same ol …every day. Now understand, that I absolutely love my life, and I have a wonderful life, but with regards to serving, I had been feeling a little hum drum.
As I continued to read the devotion, it went on to say that sometimes we have this idea that God has to do something exceptional in our lives to equip us to bring Him glory, but instead, as we live out each day in His grace, we are glorifying Him. We need to learn to be excited about the every day things, instead of yearning for some earth shattering, amazing adventure or opportunity to drop into our life. We are somebody because of Him, not because of what we do.
It was a stark reminder to remember to see things through Gods spiritual vision, and not depend on my own physical vision. My heart needs to be busy, not my hands.
I am working on changing my attitude to one focused on usefulness, not uselessness. God wants to use me fully, not just partially, and that can only happen if my heart is engaged in His plans. I want an attitude that treasures the opportunities to be Jesus to others in my every day life, instead of trying to catch a vision of something spectacular that seems just beyond my reach.
I want to cherish each of the little ways that God uses me in my every day activities, with all the wonderful people in my life…..from tying someones shoe, to taking a meal, to encouraging a friend, to playing taxi-mom, and kissing my sweet husband. Each of these every day things are ways that God makes me useful, and that is the vision I want to see.
I dont need to be busy with my hands, to do work for Gods kingdom. He is making me useful and kingdom worthy right where I am, and simply knowing that brings a smile to my heart.