6 Tips for What-Not-To-Do When Your Child Goes to College (& NEW BIBLE STUDY ANNOUNCEMENT!)

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To say I’m excited to see how God will be working in the hearts of stressed-out women from all around the world through this message is an understatement!  I am confident that many of us will feel less stressed, and more peace-full in just a few weeks as we seek permanent peace in Christ despite our circumstances. 

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Stressed-Less Living 1[1]

On another note, my Proverbs 31 devotion today, How to Trust God With Your Children, touched on one of the top 5 stressors in today’s society – PARENTING! Can I get an Amen? 🙂 The devotion shares something a little embarrassing though ….. that time when my first born child went to college three years ago this month, and I became an emotionally unstable crazy person.

I was so excited for Morgan, but I knew I would desperately miss her presence in our home. I couldn’t help but worry for her safety and well-being, and started doubting if I’d raised her right and prepared her for this new season of life. Basically, I let my fears overshadow my faith and lost sight of the fact that God would watch over her. I had to dry my tears and start praying more than fretting and He slowly replaced my craziness with peacefulness.

If you’re sending a child off to college, below are 6 tips on what-not-to-do – take it from me. 🙂

mediafile1. Don’t act like your child is leaving forever, and ever, and ever.

I didn’t mean to, but after I dropped Morgan off at college, I let my emotions get the better of me. As if sending my daughter to college meant never ever seeing her again. Ever. I finally realized my emotional instability was affecting my entire family, not just me, and that I needed to get it together! Ask God to fill your heart with peace and comfort, and for the courage and faith to entrust your child into God’s hands knowing that He will be looking after them until you see them again. No matter how old your child gets, they will always need their mom –  and you can always dangle some home cooking and an offer to wash their clothes to lure them home.

2. Don’t assume your child is going to make the same mistakes you did in college -0r that they won’t make any mistakes at all.

As moms, we want to protect our children and prevent them from getting into situations or making decisions that will negatively impact their faith, their lives or their futures. Since we probably all have some things we did in college or adolescent years that we regret, we want to make sure our kids don’t.  I do want to protect my kids from making the same mistakes I did and tried to teach them and mold them over the years through what I’ve learned. But as much as we want to protect them, we have to let them make their own choices and sometimes their own mistakes.  What we can do is pray for the Holy Spirit to be their guide and convict their hearts if they start heading down a wrong path.

3. Don’t let their drama, become your drama.

It’s all too easy to get pulled into teenage drama, simply because we care about our children. When people are mean to them, we hurt for them (and might want to roll some heads – just saying). When professors are unfair or uncaring, we want to make a few phone calls. When situations occur, we want to get involved, seeking resolution. When our child is hurt, we want to mend their hearts. When they say they’re sick, we want to run to their dorm room and tend to their needs. (yes I did that once or twice, have mercy) But the good news is that any type of drama somehow always works itself out and our kids typically get over it and move on – usually before us moms are able to!  It’s crucial for mom to be a safe sounding board and be available for positive encouragement and support, but try to avoid becoming drama mama.

4. Don’t assume your college kid won’t act like a college kid.

I would like to think that my children would be the perfect college kids, focusing only on studies and preparing for their future. Spending hours in the library, getting A’s in every class, never staying out past midnight, or hanging out with people or in places that I may not approve of. But let’s face it, that’s not normally reality!

Although my husband and I do expect our children to study hard, make good grades, give it their best and live with high morals and integrity, we can’t expect them to never have fun, never stay out too late, or always make the best decisions. It’s important to be careful about  not expecting perfection or setting expectations that can’t be met, because communication barriers evolve and relationships may suffer. The best thing we can do as parents is to make sure our kids know they can call on us – for anything and everything, anytime night or day – and that no matter what, we will love them and support them unconditionally, even if we don’t support their choices.

5. Don’t stalk your child on social media.

I’m not saying I stalked my daughter online when she first started college (that would be weird, right?), but I admit I liked the fact that I could get an idea of her whereabouts and activities by looking at her social media. While at times that was good, other times it made me anxious and thoughts of going to pick her up crossed my mind. So I realized that instead of trying to watch her behind the scenes, I needed to ask God to help me let go of the control I once had over her safety and well being, and pray that she will follow her instincts and be guided by her faith in all that she does.

6. Don’t forget God cares about your child as much as you do. 

Sending a child off to college, or any new phase of life, is never easy on a mom’s heart. But since we all have to go through it, it’s always in our best interest to commit to managing our stress and dealing with our emotions before they start affecting us and everyone around us.  1 Peter 5:7 says “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” That ‘you’ refers to us AND our kids. If we pray daily for our children’s hearts and lives and never forget God is looking out for them, we will all be able to sleep through the night a little easier knowing that their heavenly Father never slumbers.

If you have experienced sending a child off to college, what helpful tips and encouragement might you have to share with moms who are embarking on this new transition of life? Share your thoughts here.

 

35 Comments

  1. Darya McMurtrie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 7:39 am

    I really handled my oldest son’s departure to college poorly. He had chosen to attend the U.S. Naval Academy, and that was almost as if he was leaving forever. 6 weeks of virtually no contact (2 scheduled, short phone calls and occasional letters). And he was so far away from home. But God is good and he sent the right friends at the right times to help me through. When my 2nd one left, I did handle it much better. But this is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done! And I think God knew I wouldn’t handle the empty nest well because my husband and I got the surprise of our lives when we discovered I was pregnant the day our youngest left for college. What a ride! But I’m trusting Him to give me what I need every moment of every day!!



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:15 am

      Holy moly Darya! I guess God doesn’t want you empty nesting it just yet! Thank you for sharing and congrats on your pregnancy!



  2. Linda on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 8:15 am

    Thank you for the encouragement to entrust our children into God’s care. My husband and I have seen 2 children through college. One is now in medical school, and one just started her career as a music therapist. So we are really “empty nesters”! I’ve been through the gamut of emotions of the child leaving the nest, as well as experiencing the fears and anxieties every parent has in this new phase of life. I will say, give yourself grace. Grace that it’s ok to grieve their leaving, and grace that you may not “get it right” every time when it comes to wanting to protect or oversee your child, grace to learn our new role in their lives. After 18 years of raising each child, we don’t automatically “switch gears”. It takes time to learn our new role as mentor and friend, and to know it’s going to be alright!!!!!! I tend to be a worrier, so I have to work extra hard at trusting God in prayer to watch over my adult children!!!!!



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:17 am

      So true Linda! We definitely need to give ourselves some grace – especially if we act like crazy moms for a while. Haha. Great point in that it does take time to learn our new roles as moms of young adults.



  3. Leah on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 8:25 am

    I am entering this stage with my twin daughters being Seniors in high school and the college planning in full swing. My biggest problem isn’t them being absent from the home, but worry over their safety.

    This devotion and additional post here on your blog couldn’t have come at a better time. I want to enjoy this process with them and not be a basket case. I know there’s lots of praying in my future. 🙂



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:19 am

      You need to give yourself some grace too Leah! Having two daughters going through it at the same time must be especially hard! God will see you through!



  4. Kelly on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 8:27 am

    I just dropped my baby off at college on Saturday. From experience with our first children going to college, my best friend and I didn’t handle leaving them well. So when her baby went off to college four years ago I went with them on moving day, And Saturday she and her husband went with us! It is soooooo much easier with the buddy system. Keeps moving in fun and less stressful, When you say goodbye it isn’t as hard with a friend to talk to on the 3 hour drive home also you don’t want your friend to see you ugly cry. ???? Another tip is looked at them gone for short time periods, like at camp ????



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:20 am

      Great tips Kelly! Thank you for sharing!



  5. Melissa on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 8:43 am

    My oldest son moved into his dorm yesterday. I feel like I’m in shock. It is easier the second year knowing that he had a good first year. It is time for him to go. The two siblings remaining were ready for him to go as well. My oldest is a high energy super motivated individual. The four of us are completely different and much more laid back so when he is gone our home is much quieter. Last year it bothered me but this year I (we) are ready to be at our own pace.
    It’s amazing how different every child is, as are their needs. I’m praying for a good senior year for my second son. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder this spring and struggled with suicidal thoughts. It was the hardest thing in my life. I’m thankful to have finally found a medication that seems to be working. It changed everything especially my perspective about the future. I’m so very thankful that he is better but don’t have a clue about what God has in store for his college experience.
    Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight… I have to trust God, nothing else works.



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:21 am

      I totally get that Melissa – it’s so hard to see them leave, but it does change the dynamics of the home as they come and go. So glad God led you to a good medication and praying that your son has an incredible 2nd year!



    • Angella on Wednesday, August 19, 2015 at 7:21 am

      Thank You for sharing your story. I pray that Abba Father will undergird your son and He will give His angels charge over him when it’s his turn to leave for his studies. I pray that Almighty God will send encouragement your way and I know that He has already provided the Grace you need for all the events and challenges you face. I’m in England and my daughter went to the USA to study and after her first degree she came back home took a few years out and went back again to the USA . I thank Yahweh that she has 10.5 months left in her internship and she will have her Doctorate as a Psychologist. I would not have made it if the Lord had not given me the Grace and Peace to let go and let God! When my daughter would visit she would struggle to go back especially when I had major surgery and because of complications I was in a critical stage. I have always told her that God opened the door for her and she cannot close it! I have told her many times that our emotions can cripple our future. My second daughter went 3 hours away from home to study and finished and is preparing to go again. I thank God for keeping me and making it possible even when worry tries to creep in the Peace of God surpass ALL understanding! My son who is the youngest of 3 has just turned 18 is studying at a local college. God Bless You! I know this is long but hope it encourages. (Jeremiah 29:11) Angella (England)



  6. Gussie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 9:06 am

    My oldest child began college several years ago with high hopes of pursuing a certain major. She had setbacks that resulted in her getting tested for learning issues after graduating high school at the top of her class. She became ill last year, took a medical leave, found out she had a physical illness (thyroid disease) that could be treated with medicine and is doing well now. During that time off, she had time for reflection and has decided to change her major to something that is line with her strengths. She is a stronger person as a result of her illness. But during that time, I was in constant worry and anxiety and prayer for her well-being. I look back on it now and realize that God was always with her and she is stronger for what she has been through. Yes, it will take longer for her to graduate, but I am thankful, with our support and God’s guidance, she know what she wants to accomplish and how to get there. I say this because we want what is best for our children, but they have to make the decisions for their future and well-being with our support. I have learned the difference between support and control and how to parent an adult (especially one with health issues). this has been a great lesson for me also. Don’t doubt God is with your children as they transition to their adult life. He has never left my child, even when she doubted He was there.



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:23 am

      That’s an awesome thing to point out Gussie – that we have to learn the difference between support and control. Its so hard to let go of our control but they all have to grow up just as we did. Thanks!



  7. Debbie Herbst on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 9:41 am

    How I appreciate your devo and the above comments! thank the Lord for the healthy perspective of letting our children go and entrusting them to Him. Our oldest is at an engineering university, in ROTC and National Guard and struggling with some coursework. However, after seeing him this weekend, we can see his character and maturity. No, he doesn’t live at Christian campus house but continues to attend weekly Bible study and growing in depth.
    I believe this is so much more important that the mindset that the child should only go to Christian college and that they must find and join a church. Although those are very good ideals, they may not be God’direction or the right fit.
    Our second has dealt with health issues also, and appreciate the encouraging words about how God is using it to shape her, likely for future in healthcare.
    thanks again.



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:24 am

      God works in our children’s lives in all places, not just what we think as the traditional places. I pray daily for God to bring godly friends and opportunities into my children’s lives in any way He sees fit. I personally found your comment very reassuring!



  8. Amy Lively on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 9:56 am

    10 days. That’s all I have left with my daughter, our only child, before she goes off to college. I’m living in a new town (two time zones from “home”) with a newly empty nest. While I’m excited to see how God shapes both of us in this new season, I already miss her. This blog and your comments are His timely reminder that everything will be OK. But, oh, hire I miss her!



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:26 am

      We’re on the count down too Amy! My other daughter Kaitlyn leaves next week to move in and I’m already trying to look at her suitcase. I don’t think we’ll ever stop missing them, but the time we do have together can be treasured times! Praying for you as you embark on this season of empty nesting but also as you transition into your new home with new friends and community. 🙂



  9. Ann on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 10:27 am

    It has been a year as an empty nester and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier….in fact, maybe harder! I can and do trust them to HIS care, and 3 of the 4 are faithful and active in church. Oh how I MISS their presence though!!!!Having been a stay-at-home mom and investing hundreds of hours with them probably is making this a harder adjustment. I cry often just longing for them, although my life is full with a career now and dear friends. Knowing that we only will see them from now on for a few days a year here and there, is just an unbearable thought to me at times. As a strong woman, never did I dream that it would hurt this badly, and I would need such a a huge amount of God’s grace to struggle through.



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:27 am

      I totally get what you’re saying Ann. When Morgan first left, one of the things I missed most was seeing her bounce down the stairs in the morning with sloppy hair and a big smile. It is hard friend. Praying for God to fill your heart with peace and nudge your kids to visit home very soon!



    • Stacy on Sunday, August 23, 2015 at 8:12 am

      I also have been shocked at the random tears that appear out of nowhere.mits like I have an open wound in my soul. However, I just read Sarah Young’s August 23 devotion which starts with “entrust your loved ones to Me” and warns against making our child our idol in our heart. She writes, “they are much safer with God that in our clinging hands, ” which of course is true! Count me convicted. How could I not trust such a loving God with my most valuable ‘possession’? She really always belonged to Him, after all.



  10. Joy on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 10:46 am

    God is faithful in the hard days of letting go. I was given wise advice to grieve through the process (last first day of school, last band concert, last sports banquet, last day of high school), and not wait until the final college send off to let my emotions get the best of me. A few tears here, a heavy sigh there, a winsome look as he drove away — they all helped me prepare for the day I’d say, “Be safe, be good, and I’m praying for you. I love you” before I took my turn driving away. And God was faithful. Two college graduations, ten years, and two weddings later, he’s still working in my two sons’ lives!



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:28 am

      Thank you Joy – that is so encouraging to all of us still on the cusp of letting go!



  11. Jami on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 10:58 am

    oh how grateful I am to be able to read this article and all the comments knowing I am not alone. My oldest son 20 did not leave home and is working as a Supervisor. However, my second son just left my nest to go all way from West Coast to the East Coast to an all Deaf University. He will be playing football too. It just hurts my heart knowing I won’t be in the bleachers cheering him on. I can’t help but worry about the little things like what if he gets hurt, did he rest well, eat enough… such small things but someone above wrote after 18 years of raising our kids – we don’t just click off. That really helps me cope and know my feelings are normal- I am not crazy Mom!! Although, my boys did not grow up in church (we are Deaf family) very limited places to go for the Deaf. I still hope that the values, stories I taught them will be enough for them to stay close to Jesus. I have to trust The Lord knows our story and to protect my son as he is away from home. And for me to have a peace and joy for him



  12. Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:30 am

    Sweet Jami – sending our kids to college is hard enough without it being half way across the country and having extra challenges to deal with. I have prayed for your son, that God would bring godly friends into his life, protect him in sports, and feel your presence in his spirit when he’s playing the game. You can rest knowing that you raised him to love the Lord and that He will be watching over him all the days!



  13. Jami on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:40 am

    What perfect timing! We will be taking my only child, my daughter, 2 states away in just over 2 weeks. Fear and anxiety have certainly had a grip on my heart, not only for my daughter leaving but for this new phase of marriage as well. Thank you for reminding me that God loves her more than I do, and His plan is at work in all of our lives.



  14. Tammy Scates on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    Thank you so much for this. My son is moving off to college (a whole 15 miles away) and I know I will see him at least weekly, but our lives are still changing at home. I have a daughter entering Jr High so no empty nest just yet. 🙂 She will keep me busy for the next few years. lol.
    My son has drifted from God though, and has turned to the world to find happiness. Have you seen the world lately?? That’s not where we need to search for happiness, but I regress… I think his dad and I raised him right, taught him right/wrong, etc. But its scary sending him off to really make his own life choices and this or that. What if he chooses stuff that really effects the rest of his life in a negative way, what if this, what if that?? God is working on us both. I needed this reminded today…that he was God’s before mine. And God loves him more than even I do. So thank you… I’ll stay on my knees and talk to God about it. 🙂 He can handle everything in my sons life for better than I could anyway. If you want to say a prayer for him also, his name is Jt. 🙂 I’m so glad I found your blog.



    • Tracie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 4:29 pm

      Praying for JT, Tammy!



  15. Nancy on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    This devotional was so timely! We just dropped #4 off at college yesterday! Even though I have seen God’s faithfulness in my other 3 children’s lives, I have had to love and let go with each one!! I am celebrating 41 years of marriage today and after 38 of those years we are now empty nesters! Thanking God for giving you those true thoughts to share today!



  16. Julie on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 3:09 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your college mom experience with us today! As many of the others said, the timing was perfect, as Wednesday morning we will take our son 4 states away for college. It is quite something to experience the range of emotions as we prepare for this life change. By this time in our children’s lives we see them not only as our child but also as our friend, so it can be a twice as hard to see them go. I will need to remind myself daily to be thankful for this opportunity for my son and for God’s provision as well. So glad for His loving care for our children.



  17. Carolyn R on Monday, August 10, 2015 at 11:03 pm

    I don’t have college age kids but they’re in high school and I will be there soon. Thanks for the encouragement and great advice.



  18. Lynne on Tuesday, August 11, 2015 at 8:05 am

    What a great read this was for my hurting heart. We moved our baby girl to college this past weekend and I now feel as if another piece of my heart is gone. But after reading your encouraging words I am comforted yet again knowing that God’s got this. As much as I thought I had control when she was home I now realize I really wasn’t in control. Along it’s been Him and He will continue to be now that she is gone. God has amazing things in store for my kids and I need to enjoy from the sidelines and watch it all unfold. So here is to all us mommas and our hurting hearts that we would allow trust in our Father to be the Band-Aid our heart needs.



  19. Barbara on Tuesday, August 11, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    This is a very timely devotion as our youngest daughter goes into 2nd year Engineering and moves away in a couple of week to a new university 5 hrs away.
    She is moving in with a girlfriend and her friends. I am really struggling with this
    change and learning to trust God with her life. I am grieving even before she leaves, as it is a program which runs all year with a coop session so she is really leaving home for good. I do have an older daughter who is living at home but rarely around, as she is busy with her own life. I am glad God has such great plans for their lives, I just need prayer to manage this new change and trust God more with them and what the future holds for me and my husband.



  20. Diana on Wednesday, August 12, 2015 at 8:17 am

    This couldn’t have come at a better time! God is so good and knows my heart and exactly what I need when I need it! Thank you Jesus! My oldest graduated high school this year and was accepted into a college about 2 hours from us. We got a little of a head start on the “away at college” thing, because she was going into a certain program that allowed her to be on campus, live in a dorm and take a couple of college classes to see how well she would do. She was gone for 5 weeks. Seemed like the longest 5 weeks of my life. I really think God knew I needed this little glimpse of what it was going to be like. It was hard, no doubt. Especially not having her here. (I do have a younger child who still has about 5 years before college.) I grew very anxious about what she was doing, who she might hang around, etc., but God ( I love those 2 words “but God”), knew my worries and my fears and brought good friends into my daughters life, and brought a good church for her to attend also. Her new “best friend” is a Christian and shares the same values and they can hold each other accountable too. (As iron sharpens iron). This has brought less anxiety to me and reading your blog on this and reading all these comments has truly helped me! It’s good to know that I’m not alone in this and that it is an adjustment, not only for her but for me. I will be spending more time on my knees not only praying for my daughter, but thanking God for all He has done! We take her back in about 10 days for the Fall semester and I think it will be a little easier this time. I know I just need to let go and let God! Thank you!!



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  22. Judy Turnbull on Tuesday, August 25, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    I’m so glad that God loves my daughter more than I can imagine, and that he has a plan for her! It is so good to rest in the fact that he is in control, no matter what happens and what choices she makes. Praying for her and resting in this is the best action I can take as I send her off this fall with mixed emotions!



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Tracie Miles is a bestselling author and the Director of COMPEL Training with Proverbs 31 Ministries.  She helps women grow stronger in their faith, pursue the life of purpose God designed them for and live a life of peace, joy and happiness despite their circumstances.

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