When You Don’t Want to Forgive

Forgiveness is not a fun word. Pretty sure nobody likes it.

In today’s Proverbs 31 devotion, I shared about a time when I had been hurt by a few people and nothing in me wanted to forgive them. But over time, I realized that my anger and unforgiveness was affecting me and my happiness – not them.

I was tired of feeling upset and wronged and angry, even though those emotions were fully justified.  I finally realized I needed to free myself from the negativity that was rooting itself in my heart and stealing my joy – even if my offenders didn’t recognize their actions or ask for my forgiveness.

That was such a learning experience and now in hind sight, I’m glad it happened. Little did I know that one day, years down the road,  I would be faced with that choice to forgive again but over a much bigger offense. Would I / could I forgive the unspeakable? The unacceptable? The undeserved? The inexcusable? The unforgettable?

What had been done to me was wrong. I had every right to feel angry and forgiving. Not a single person would disagree. And that’s exactly what today’s P31 devotion talked about, as well as what God did in my heart to help me move past the pain and replace it with peace.

This subject of forgiveness is also something I talk openly about in my new book Love Life Again. Today I want to share a brief excerpt from Chapter 5 of Love Life Again: Finding Joy When Life is Hard, because I know how hard it is to forgive someone who has brought us more pain than we can handle, especially if they have no remorse and never even ask for forgiveness. But we do so because it frees us from the captivity of negativity and unhappiness, not them.

We can’t change other people’s hearts, but we can always ask God to change ours.

After you read this excerpt, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments about how forgiveness changed your life or how you’re struggling with it so we can pray for you.

____________________________________

In Matthew 18:21, Peter posed a question to Jesus. He wanted to know how many times he was supposed to forgive someone who sinned against him. If you ask me, that’s a valid question. If we have forgiven someone multiple times and that person continues to sin against us, who wants to keep on forgiving that individual? When our hearts get broken over and over, it’s normal to put up barriers to protect ourselves from future harm. It is hard to forgive people who hurt and betray our trust time and time again—especially if they don’t admit fault for their wrongdoing.

Yet that is exactly what Jesus instructed us to do. “At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, ‘Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?’ Jesus replied, ‘Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven’” (vv. 21–22 THE MESSAGE).

Say what? So we’re supposed to forgive someone 490 times for sinning against us? The answer is yes. However, even when we reach 490 times (if we are keeping count, that is), we’re still supposed to keep on forgiving. Jesus stated “seventy times seven” just to make the point that forgiveness is unconditional, ongoing. We are to forgive every time someone hurts us.

To understand why Jesus said this, it helps to keep in mind that forgiveness is a sign not of weakness but of strength. We may never know how strong we are until we have to forgive someone who doesn’t ask for forgiveness or who needs it over and over again. In this passage, Jesus was teaching about the character of the believer, and Jesus’ answer to Peter’s question focused on character as well.

The backstory reveals that Peter’s bold question was actually a little self-serving. Apparently, the Jewish rabbis of that day taught that you were to forgive a particular person up to three times. This was based on a statement in God’s message to Amos: “Because of the three great sins of Damascus—make that four—I’m not putting up with her any longer” (Amos 1:3 THE MESSAGE). God forgave the enemies of Israel three times but punished them upon the fourth offense. The religious leaders taught that as the standard to follow.

Some Bible commentators believe that when Peter asked whether he should forgive seven times, more than double what the religious leaders said was required, he expected Jesus to praise him for his over-the-top willingness to forgive. I wonder, too, if he was looking for commendation from Jesus in front of everyone. Jesus’ answer was surely shocking and maybe even a little humbling to Peter and the other disciples: “Although they had been with Jesus for some time, they were still thinking in the limited terms of the law, rather than in the unlimited terms of grace.”

Jesus’ point that forgiveness is born of great strength reminds me of a famous quote often attributed to Mark Twain: “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” The flower was treated harshly. It did nothing to deserve that treatment, yet it endured the suffering. Even so, the flower exuded a sweet fragrance for the one who had in inflicted the pain. It takes the strength of Jesus, and strong character, to be able to show love (the sweet fragrance of forgiveness) to someone who has hurt or crushed us. That is what forgiveness truly is, and this is what Jesus meant in this passage.

Forgiveness is not always easy to give, and it can’t be done in our own strength, but it can be done in God’s strength. Like anything worth achieving, forgiveness takes both practice and patience. ~Love Life Again: Finding Joy When Life is Hard, Chapter 5

____________________________________

One thing I also point out in the book is that forgiving those who have wronged us or hurt us does not mean we are accepting their behavior or letting them off the hook. It does not mean we have to trust the people who have hurt us or even let them back into our lives (unless God leads us to do so). Rather, it means we are protecting our own hearts from the damage their behavior can cause and choosing to set our hearts free from the havoc unforgiveness causes.

To read the rest of the chapter about this subject, purchase your copy of Love Life Again. In Chapter 4, I also address the difficulty in forgiving ourselves for past mistakes or current patterns of sin, because I know that’s something I’ve struggled with and I know many other people have too.

 

19 Comments

  1. Jim on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 8:53 am

    I held on to anger and could not forgive a few people that really hurt me in my life. But, with my Christian therapist I approached forgiveness like this: 1) I wrote out all of my emotions, thoughts, anger, etc., on paper as a letter to them. Then I read it out loud, and then destroyed it.
    2) The act of getting out my emotions and destroying what I wrote acted as a cleansing agent for me, and ever since, even though I may think about them, myforgiveness has taken such a burden from my mind.



    • Deb on Wednesday, October 10, 2018 at 11:31 am

      I did same years ago!! It works



    • Deb on Wednesday, October 10, 2018 at 11:33 am

      I did the same thing years ago. Wrote the letter then destroyed it. It works !



  2. Tomtom on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 8:59 am

    Thank You Tracie! Yes sometimes it’s so hard to forgive. In preparing for a Kairos Prison Retreat 18-21 Oct your word brings Forgiveness to mind and I flern from your Blessed insight as I may have to help a resident move past resentment to Forgiveness. Thank you!
    Oh our Kairos Retreat is at Burrus CTC Prison in Forsyth GA. Please pray for the 42 residents doing the retreat, Prison Staff and the 30 Volunteers as we share GOD’s Love in a Forgotten place!



  3. ADean on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 10:39 am

    Thank you for this devotional on this topic of anger and unforgiveness. It has been my struggle for a long time. Things I thought I have forgiven, at times, keep coming back up. I know what God’s Word says, but how do I get my heart to follow? I have confessed my anger and unforgiveness to Him and He says He has forgiven me. The pain has been so deep within me. It has been so hard to let go. I want to, but how do I get my heart to do so? I have lost my happy, and I want it back. At the same time, I am afraid to get too happy about anything only to be hurt and disappointed again.



    • KP on Tuesday, October 9, 2018 at 7:33 am

      I’m in the exact same place. I just can’t let the hurt go.



    • Tammy on Wednesday, October 10, 2018 at 1:25 pm

      I am so in the same position. My husband had a sexual affair for 3 months and had no idea! We are still together and I love him so much. It’s only been 15 months since I found out and it’s a painful reminder daily. I know what I should do, but I honestly can’t bring myself to be happy! I want to forgive, but then I feel he is off the hook! I don’t want to let my guard down in fear of him hurting me again.. reading tracie’s book right now and it does speak to me but I don’t want to laugh or watch funny shows, I have been hurt beyond repair and I don’t know how to recover from it



  4. Bob on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 11:47 am

    I was betrayed by my wife. A sexual affair she had for a year and kept it a secret for 5 years before telling me. So not only am I dealing with betrayal but had been living in a lie for years while this hovered over. Our kids don’t know because they were 6 & 2. She told me of her sin 5 yrs ago and I forgave her 24 hrs after telling me but it was hard. Here we are 10 yrs later and I live with this pain daily about their sexual encounters every day for a year. The pain of thought, wonder and hate towards both. I’ve tried to consume myself in work to escape the thoughts but I can’t. I live with this anger of betrayal and lies every second of the day for 5 yrs now. I’m a strong Christian believer but I just don’t know what else to do to feel joy, happiness, to laugh again. Divorce flashes thru my mind daily but the love I have for my kids and not wanting this pain to consume them keeps me from leaving her and divorcing



    • Deb on Wednesday, October 10, 2018 at 11:35 am

      Try writing down all your emotions like first commentator did. It ll work



  5. Melissa Henderson on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 12:45 pm

    Forgiveness comes at different times for different people. I have been working on forgiving several people who continually hurt my family. God is patient with me and He is working on my heart. Forgiveness will come. I trust God. 🙂



  6. Karen G. on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 4:30 pm

    God’s timing, thank you Tracie! This has been the elephant in the room of my heart for several years now. This happens to be a topic that our Pastor spoke on this weekend.
    I remarried after I lost my husband to cancer with a newly adopted 3 year old and a 4 year old at home. My husband had a 6 and 11 year old. I had been told that being a stepmom was very difficult, the 11 year old was a female and they had lost their mother to cancer. What ensued for 7 years was anything but good. Our marriage has been severely damaged, our family torn apart as the 11 year old started stealing from me and my children, bullied my kids, was sneaking, lying, being sexually promiscuous and in general set out to destroy our marriage. She was not willing to accept another female along side of her father, she had been pretty successful at wrapping him around her little finger and getting away with deceitful, sinful behaviors. Her brother soon followed suit as she was his encourager. Both of my stepchildren are out of the house as after 7 years I finally stood up to my husband and my did whatever I needed to do to protect my children. Their childhood was anything but what my husband and I had desired for them.
    To this day, I have no communication with my step children. I have been told by my husband that I must forgive them but it was a package deal, I must show my forgiveness by letting them back in my house. I cannot and I finally received confirmation from my Pastor and the timing delivery of you post, forgiving them is not part and parcel with trusting them or letting them back in to our world. I still struggle with the letting go of the hurt as I have so many reminders around my home but, I know that if I can just keep giving my pain up to God that it is okay to keep godly boundaries in place. I truly must let go and let God.
    Sorry so long…..I have carried this for so long now!



  7. Lisa G on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 7:01 pm

    In response…I have been married to this man for 24 years. It has been a troubled marriage (all due to him) and admittedly so. The last situation thru me over. Mind you the many others did as well, but this last one was “the one”. I, like you, let it trouble my mind and even came to disagreements with my daughter and how to handle it. Finally, one morning my Scripture was talking to me. I had begun crying and begging for him to help me and tell what to do and this is what popped up….you must forgive not 7 times, nor 17 times, but 77 times….I know how your are hurting, I see it, but you have to forgive. I will take care of it for you, let it go and have faith I will see to it. So I did…I went into the dining room and told my husband that I could no longer hold onto this anger, it was killing me, so I was going to forgive him, not forget it. I was leaving it to God to take care of and at the very moment, I felt God’s Peace in My Heart, but I did let it go to him. That speak of the Faith I have in him.



  8. Jenny on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 7:50 pm

    I’ve been a Christian since I was a child and I have forgiven small things from other people, but I don’t know how to forgive my parents for the abuse I suffered from them all my life. I have tried and tried, tried to let go and let God, but it doesn’t work, especially since my siblings think my parents were OK or even great. Often in a large family, there is one who is the whipping bag, and the abuse is often hidden from the others or know about it and grow up to be like the parents. How does forgiveness work? What is the process? How do my mind and heart think and feel? What is the mechanism?



  9. Susan on Monday, October 8, 2018 at 8:19 pm

    I’m struggling greatly as I read this post to my email inbox. Betrayal, lying, and an extramarital affair after 27 years of marriage. The guy that everyone thought was great was living a lie as a dad and husband. The Prominent school administrator having an affair with a colleague at school for 2 years. At 50, divorce was for those other people, not my family. Humiliation and anger now control me. I have three beautiful, successful adult children. I have my health. I have a great career helping others as a speech therapist, but I’m chained to the past unable to forgive or trust Reading this blog entry was helpful



  10. Lina on Monday, October 15, 2018 at 11:01 am

    I have been hurt so deeply by friends who I put ahead of my own family. After years of constantly being put down by one woman in particular.. comments like “ I’m so thankful God has a blessed me enough to stay home with my children instead of having them raised by day care providers like you” etc I finally stuck up for myself and pointed out that these comments hurt me. I thought she would apologize and say “oh I’m so sorry.. I didn’t realize!” Instead she turned it! She said I assisted her character and destroyed her. She went around to seceesl people and said horrible horrible things about me. She held gatherings excluding us. She has done all things to to my husband and I in our circles. We have now list all our friends as the devil allowed her claws to sink into the others and they fell for the lies. We go to the same school, church, etc. She walks around like the perfect Christian and people fall for it!
    I am not one to publicly say bad things about her, I tell myself the truth will come out. God will judge them etc. In the meantime, I have no friends, I have no joy, it is awkward wherever I go. I used to be a very positive happy person. It is all gone now.
    I have begged God to help me forgive. But the hurt is still there! The betrayal is so deep! I could never do that to someone! I know I can’t forgive on my own.. but He’s not helping me! It’s been 3 yrs of agony. If God commands we forgive why won’t He fix this? And my heart?



    • Lina on Monday, October 15, 2018 at 11:07 am

      I should add I have tried several (7) times to reconcile. Also believing that was the right thing to do. I have allowed her to say horrible things to me and tell me I need counseling! I have always let her knock me down to make her feel better. I just want an “ I’m sorry” from one of them! They act like they did nothing wrong as they parade to the front of church. I NEED TO GET OVER THIS!



  11. Karen on Sunday, November 11, 2018 at 6:21 pm

    Thank you Tracie for this timely post. I struggle with forgiveness…I confess to God, cry out for Him to cleanse my mind and my heart when I’ve been hurt and feel angry, but when my husband, who is my best friend, hurts me in the same way again and again, I’m reminded of the first time, the second time, the third time, etc. and scenes of his hurtful behavior flash through my mind and I feel the past hurts plus the current hurt, multiplied in my heart. I, like some of the commenters above, don’t know what the forgiveness process is supposed to feel like physically and emotionally moments after saying, “I forgive you” and confessing to God. For those of you who’ve said it works, can you please describe the way you feel afterward and how you feel when you are reminded of the hurt.

    I will be praying for all of you tonight 🙂 God bless you all!



  12. Cj on Friday, November 23, 2018 at 11:06 am

    Your writings have helped confirm it is a major step to helping to forgive those who’ve hurt us. By leaving that painful burden of retribution in Gods shoulders, we begin the healing. After time, the pain does lessen , and we begin to see the sunlight peering over the troubling storms of our life circumstance. I love rainbows; each one reminds me of the beauty of each day. That is why this moment is called the present, it is a gift



  13. Olivia on Sunday, November 25, 2018 at 9:15 pm

    Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness



Headshot Flipped 2

Tracie Miles is a bestselling author and the Director of COMPEL Training with Proverbs 31 Ministries.  She helps women grow stronger in their faith, pursue the life of purpose God designed them for and live a life of peace, joy and happiness despite their circumstances.

Living-Unbroken-3DwithShadow

Available Now!

Subscribe to Tracie’s Blog

Receive the Living Unbroken Battle Plan Workbook for free if you subscribe to Tracie’s blog today!
Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.

Tracie's Books